Let’s face it, friends fight, families argue, even unknown strangers can just ruin your entire day by being totally rude to you for no apparent reason. Some people are fortunate enough to not be bothered by this ‘verbal diarrhea’ (yes, this phrase does exist, ahaha, check it out here) or are too close to allow any quarrels to ruin their relationship. However, for others, there is a limit to how much verbal and emotional abuse they can take before they snap, either by retorting or by isolating themselves.

Yes, humans can be boring, constantly repeating their woes, their stresses. Humans can be ’so lah drama’ (so true ). Humans can be insensitive to the feelings of others, only paying attention to their need to vent to anyone, even if that unfortunate person doesn’t deserve it. We can go on and on about the negativity of the human race, BUT…that is part of what we are, it is a no-refund-or-exchange package of a human. We cannot totally absolve our emotional trauma, we can only hope to squash it a little or learn to control it better. Some are able to do it better than most or are only able to do so after years of trial and error while some just simply don’t bother.

I’ve had my fair share of being the brunt of people’s verbal diarrhea; sometimes it’s just them letting out some steam but more often than not, it’s a ‘constructive conversation’ (a polite term of ‘critical continuous attack’ ) on my being. I wish they would just take a step back and look at themselves first before they keep pointing out my flaws. I’m not perfect but then again…..neither are you.

Attempting to see the positive side of it is not easy so I prefer thinking of a more humorous side of this particular situation, which I find much much easier to handle. I remember this story I read in Robert Allen’s ‘365 Pep Talks from Buddha’ and I quote:-

Two monks were disputing an obscure point of the dharma. One began to get angry and, as he made his points, his voice got louder and louder. At last the other said, “I admit that your arguments are sound.” Satisfied, the belligerent monk walked off. “Nothing but sound,” muttered the other monk to himself.

It’s true that most emotional outbursts are just sounds and it’s true that any words we deem unworthy of our time or unsuitable for our ‘delicate’ ears are just noise, but it’s more about how we handle our own drama and how we handle hearing other people’s drama. I try to use humour to diffuse negative feelings whenever I’m confronted by people. Here’s hoping that you have your own, and perhaps better, way of dealing it.

* * *

M was talking on the phone with a meat supplier. She was trying to purchase a turkey for an event and her ‘blue headed’ colleague, Mr S, was listening in on her side of the conversation.

M: Do you think you can supply us with a turkey for this event we’re holding? Yeah, but I need to know…uh-huh, alrite. How big is your bird? No, I need to know how big your bird is. Yeah, how big is your bird?

Mr S was just guffawing away until M realized what exactly she kept repeating to the male supplier on the phone.

* * *

On a shopping trip, M saw a t-shirt that she thought was really cute. Holding it up to herself, she saw that the t-shirt was too big for her so she called the girl sales assistant over.

M: Do you have an ‘S’? Can I see your ‘S’ please? (At this point, M’s friend started laughing aloud at what he just heard with his ‘dirty’ ears.)

Sales assistant: Yes, yes, I will show you the ‘S’. (Hearing this, M’s friend started laughing even harder.)

* * *

While driving towards our destination, my friends and I were discussing which road was the best to take. Either direction would take us to the same destination and as I was the driver, it didn’t matter to me as I was familiar with both roads.

So I said, “I can go both ways. Either way also can. No problem for me.”

Suddenly, my friend, S, started giggling in the backseat, tickled by the fact that I was perhaps talking about my sexual relationship preferences.

* * *

Hanging out with my cousins at an eatery, we were munching on french fries when one cousin started to cut the long french fries into bite sizes.

S: No, don’t cut them. I like long ones.

A: But it’s easier to eat them when they’re short.

N: I like them short. So S can have the long ones, give me the short ones.

It took us about a second to realize what our conversation sounded like and we started laughing at ourselves.

* * *

A family was celebrating their child’s birthday and had balloons blown up for the occasion at an eatery.

The father, who was holding a balloon, looked at his young son and said, “Look at my balloon. My balloon so small. Wah, look at yours. Your balloon so big, bigger than mine.”

My cousins and I, who were sitting at the next table, had to refrain from laughing at the ‘double meaning’ we heard in his words.

* * *

Driving back from a short outing, my cousin and I ended up talking about balloons and the sound they make when you rub them.

A: Oooh, I cannot. I’m scared of balloons. Scared they will pop.

Me: How can you be scared of balloons? You love blowing balloons.

Glancing at each other, we broke out in loud laughter inside the car.

* * *

Yes, some of the instances are very lame and most people won’t even realize the implications. But then, sometimes you just get into that state of mind when everything said seems to have a ‘dirty’ element/meaning in it.

I wonder…

When you call me ‘Darling’, do you mean it in endearment or is it a normal nickname like when you call every other girl ‘Babe’ and ‘Dear’?

I wonder…

When you greet me with ‘Hey, Beautiful’, do you mean it just for me or is it similar to when you greet some unknown girls with ‘Hi, Sexy’ and ‘’Hello, Love”?

I wonder…

When you tell me ‘I miss you’, do you really mean it or is it the same as when you say ‘Miss you’ and ‘Can’t wait to see you’ to your girl friends?

I wonder…

When you say ‘I want you’, do you mean desire for me or is it just like the lust you feel when you say ‘I would like to have you’ to some random girl?

I wonder…

After months of calling me ‘darling’ and ‘beautiful’, after months of saying ‘I miss you’ and ‘I want you’…

Would there ever be a day when you would say ‘I love you’…

Or would it be the same as you saying ‘I like you’ to all the girls who have attracted your eyes so far?

Back to Monologue or Wait, Read

She stared into his eyes as she leaned back in her chair, her hands folded lightly on her abdomen. Across the small round table with his hands clasped together on the glass top, he stared back at her and waited.

After a few seconds of silence from her, he repeated his previous sentence.

“I miss you. “ A slight moment later, he added, “I told you before that I liked you.”

Her eyes squinted slightly as she continued looking at his face, especially his eyes, trying to read the truth in his words.

“I want to give us a try,” he continued.

She cocked her head a little at that statement as she pondered over the words he has been saying to her since they sat down at the coffee house. She had wondered why he wanted to meet up suddenly when they have not communicated with each other for months. The unexpected confession added more fuel to her confusion and she find herself highly doubting his sincerity.

Her forehead creased as she frowned at him, showing her puzzlement. She used to be good at reading people, whether they were telling the truth or lying, but as she gazed into the dark brown eyes, she grew frustrated at the blankness there. Either he was really good at hiding his expression or he has made the same confession to dozens of girls that he became quite good at saying it without a thought.

“Or he could be telling the truth,” her conscience whispered.

She looked down at the glass top, silently acknowledging that it could be possible he was being honest, but what if she was wrong?

When her eyes lifted back to him, he was peering at her, obviously waiting for an answer.

The only word that her mouth could form was a skeptical “Really?”

He sighed heavily and leaned back in his chair as well, his right hand pushing his hair back in mild exasperation.

“Look, I know this is like way out of the blue but I do want to give it a try. That’s all.”

She nodded slowly, still trying to read his eyes. She came up empty.

He sighed again and made gestures that he was about to leave. “I know this is a bit sudden so I’m not going to force you to give me an answer now. But…think about it, ok?”

He gave a tiny smile and picked up the check, “This one is on me. As a sorry for surprising you.”

He patted her lightly on her shoulder as he left the table and she glanced over the same shoulder as he made his way to the cashier.  After completing his transaction, he looked over at her and gave a slight wave before leaving the shop.

Directing her attention back to the glass tabletop, she tuned out the nearby conversations and inwardly related the news she had heard about him prior to their meeting.

She knew that he had just gotten out of another relationship with a girl he was seriously in love with just a few months ago.

She had heard about the girl, how he wanted to spend the rest of his life with her, how she was the girl he wanted to marry. Apparently, she didn’t feel the same way and left him in the lurch.

It was possible that he was on the rebound and wanted a companion to get over his crushed heart. She wouldn’t put it pass him; after all, many people have done that before.

“But he did tell you years back that he was interested in you. Many times, in fact,” her conscience interrupted her train of thought.

“True,” she agreed mentally. “But all those times, he knew I had someone so it was safe enough to let out his ‘feelings’, knowing that no action could be taken. It could have just been some sort of ruse, a game.”

It seemed highly coincidental that he was confessing again after he had just broken up and after he found out a few months ago that she was currently single. The thought of her being chosen as a distraction for a rebound case was growing more and more of a reality.

She let out an exasperated sigh and was jostled out of her reverie by the message tune from her mobile.

“You know it’s not going to be easy, right?” it read. “That’s why I only said I wanted to give it a TRY. After coming out of what I had, it’s more difficult to put everything on the line. For that reason, I won’t be as emotional as I used to be when I told you how I felt years ago.”

“So I was right,” she thought. “He does seem to be on the rebound and I seem to be the chosen target. I wonder if he just wants a sexual hook-up,” she thought mockingly to herself.

She frowned at the stab of emotional pain she felt in her heart. It was then that she realized she actually wanted to believe that he wanted to be with her. She had actually pulled down her barrier for a guy whose actions she couldn’t fathom, whose emotions she couldn’t interpret, whose words she couldn’t determine were truth or lies.

And that scared her.

Shaking her head slightly at her naivety, she closed the message and took a deep breath. As she slowly exhaled, she stood up and exited the coffee shop.

Stopping just outside the door, she firmly rebuilt the emotional barrier around her while pulling her jacket tighter around her body as she tried to physically shield her fragile heart, which has been shattered time and time again by men whom she had trusted.

She decided then and there that it was better to be single than to open up her heart to further damage. It was better to hide her feelings than to be hopeful for something that might not happen. It was better to ignore him than to trust him, the man whose eyes she couldn’t read.

Back to Short Fiction or Wait, Read

Wonderment

Sometimes when I look at a common everyday object, I discover that it is not so common after all and I end up staring at it in wonderment.

Once you take a different view of life, you’ll notice many different aspects of it that you have never seen or thought before.

It is normal. Many people have experienced this feeling before. Some are lucky to have someone to lean on or even better, someone to help pick up the pieces, glue them back together and push them up. Others might not be as fortunate or may actually refrain from accepting or asking help from others. Everyone works in their own way, handling their life in whichever way they think is best for them. Asking for help doesn’t make one weaker than others, not asking for help doesn’t make one stronger than the rest either.

Anyway, when you feel this low, when you feel like a failure, you tend to forget that you have done some really great (ok, if not great, good then) things in your life. Just look around your room and I’m sure you have some mementos or keepsakes that bear good memories. Trophies and medals won during school competitions, certificates of education, acknowledgments of participation in activities, pictures of your travels, some writings you have done, heck, even small stuffed dolls won at funfairs count too. You’ll be amazed at how much you have done and achieved once you lean back from your misery and take a good look around.

Sure, some would say, “But those are really small things. I didn’t achieve something great like winning a nobel prize, or become a famous celebrity or a rich successful businessman.” But then again, who decides what makes you successful? Who decides what makes you great? Being rich doesn’t necessarily make you a great person, being famous doesn’t necessarily mean happiness. It’s all in your own perspective, choose your own path to what fulfills you. If you keep looking at what other people are doing, when will you have time to look at yourself and make your own success, be it richness or a close-knit family?

When I feel low (as low as a snake’s belly), I like to remember this particular story I read in Robert Allen’s ‘365 Smiles from Buddha’ and I quote:-

A certain king called together his wise men and commanded them to have a magic ring made for him. It should cheer him up when he was unhappy, but when things were going well, it should stop him from getting proud and overbearing. They went away and puzzled over the problem for a long time. At last someone had a bright idea. A gold ring was brought to the king and on it were engraved the words, “This too shall pass.”

Those four words help me alot whenever I’m down (I tend to focus on the negative, not so much on the positive unfortunately and that phrase is kind of like my mantra).

And so, I would look around my room, note the accomplishments I have done so far and I find that life doesn’t seem so bleak after all. I find that I’m not such a failure after all and that I am still capable of success, in my own way, in my own terms. Thus, the phrase above comes to mind and I know that this feeling of inadequacy will pass. Here’s hoping that your sadness will pass too.

“Auntie, I want Milo,” he says.

“I want Milo, please,” I tell him, still trying to educate him on politeness.

“I want Milo, pleeeeease,” he repeats after me, stretching the last word. “I- I want Milo so I can grow big.”

“Why you want to grow big?” Excuse my English, I am, after all, talking to a 4-year old whose native tongue is Bahasa Malaysia.

“I want…I want to be bigger than my friend.” I glance over at his friend/classmate, who is a white boy with a build that is bigger and taller than my slightly slim and small nephew. I dig out my purse and listen with half an ear as my nephew proceeds to tell me how he wants to be stronger and taller so he wants to drink Milo everyday.

As I watch him run off with my RM10 note to the food counter, I start to wonder why my nephew thought Milo would help him grow bigger. Then I remember my own experience, also involving Milo.

When I was in primary school, we had a mini inter-class race. I remember spurring on one of my teammates in particular because she had eaten some Milo snacks (I think it was Milo nuggets or something) before the race. I was muttering, “C’mon, you can do it. After all, you ate Milo just now.” Don’t ask me the reasoning behind this; at that point in time, in my childish mind, I had some sort of belief that Milo has the power to make you run faster, be stronger, etc. When it came to my turn at the race, I sprinted, believing the whole time that I can zoom pass all the other kids because I had a ‘Milo’ edge. Don’t ask me if we won ‘coz I can’t remember, haha!

Nestle Milo (from www.deliver2u.com.my)

The thing is it’s amazing how some advertisements can penetrate your conscious mind and it’s even more amazing how the same product can span the generations  (case in point, me and my nephew) with the same belief; Minum Milo, Anda Jadi Sihat Dan Kuat (direct trans: Drink Milo, you’ll be healthy and strong. The real English slogan is something like Nestle Milo Brings Out The Champion In You!) Makes me wonder what other advertisements have penetrated my mind without me knowing.

P.S: Do you know that Nestle came out with a Neslo sachet (Nescafe coffee with Milo, for those who dunno)? I still haven’t tried it yet but I’m gonna give that and the Nescafe Tarik sachet a try as soon as I find them, yum!

For example, if I don’t wish to communicate with a certain person, it could be because he/she may have offended me in some way or he/she has hurt one of my family members. If I refuse to visit a certain place, it could be because I have had a bad experience or service there. If I do not comment or contribute to a conversation, it could be because I do not wish to hurt anyone’s feelings or risk being misinterpreted. There is always a reason behind my actions.

So, when I say “Do not talk to me about issues on race, religion and politics”, there is a reason behind it.

I despise talking about racial, religion and political topics because I have seen with my own eyes, I have heard with my own ears, how these issues can break a friendship, shatter a relationship, separate family members. A husband and wife can argue and sleep in separate rooms during a political election because each supports different parties. Two friends can start arguing and debating over religion and stop talking to each other because they both have their own interpretations and beliefs. A nation can be divided into groups all up in arms and accusing each other because of racial tension, each believing the other is wrong.

I find it sad.

There’s only a handful of people who I can talk these three issues with and they are my brother, my cousin (Syahrir) and my friend (Kuek). Although we all have contrasting beliefs, we are mature enough to understand that we each see things differently and yet not take that to offense, and most importantly, we know when to stop talking about it if someone is feeling slightly hot under the collar.

I would love to be as diplomatic as possible. I would love to not accuse anyone without proper proof. I would love not to pass judgment on a race, a religion, a politician. I would love not to say anything that might hurt or offend the other party. Yet, I find that regardless what I say or not say, it is never good enough. If I speak my mind and say something, it’s wrong. If I do not wish to comment and don’t say anything, it’s wrong as well. So what do you want from me?

Another thing that frustrates me alot about these types of conversation is how I always get the short end of the stick. How come you can say whatever you want, how come you can speak your mind, but I can’t? How come you can say ‘I don’t appreciate the comment you made’ and when I retaliate by saying ‘I don’t appreciate the comment you made either’, you get all defensive? If you don’t want to listen or acknowledge other people’s perspective then don’t bring up the issue, simple as that. I am not the enemy so there’s no point in you getting all riled up at me when all I am doing is listening to you talk about something I do not wish, never wish, to delve in and contributing to the conversation based on my own opinions.

Also, in these types of conversations, you’ll be amazed at the assumption people can make about you. Just because I am of a certain race and of a certain religion in a certain country, people can actually tell me that I don’t ’see’ what the other races and the other religions see because my race and my religion are getting the cream of the crop. So, am I justified in saying that because you are not of a certain race and you are not of a certain religion, you don’t ’see’ what I see? If it can go one way, it can go the other way too.

After living all these years and hearing so many things, I have learnt not to jump to the first conclusion I arrive to. That is why some people would notice that I often say, “Maybe it’s not that reason”, “Mayhaps it’s not what you think it is”, “Perhaps it’s another group causing trouble but pinning the blame on another group”, “Perhaps it’s better to say it in a different way.” Ever thought of that? Maybe not, I guess.

Don’t, please don’t, assume that you know how I think, know what I see, know what I hear, know what I say, when in fact, you don’t know me at all. Just because I don’t say certain things or don’t agree with you or don’t say things you want to hear, it doesn’t mean I am incapable of putting myself in other people’s shoes. It doesn’t mean that you’re right or you’re wrong. It just means that we have different opinions, different perspectives, different beliefs, because we are two different people and we each should respect the fact that we have our own views. Let’s just say we agree to disagree and be done with it.

This is why I love to write. It is only here, in my post, that I am able to say what I really want to say because this is my post, my blog. Some people love to talk about these three issues. They love to point out that they’re right. They love to argue non-stop and vehemently debate the other party into silence, especially about race and religion. And this is what I think (and I have mentioned this before in Silence of War): Regardless what race, religion, political party or nationality you are, ‘…strip off your skin, your colour, your beliefs, your brain, and you are all the same. You all have two hands, two feet, two eyes, one nose, one mouth. You all feel pain, sorrow, happiness. You all cry and laugh.’ To add to that, in my humbly low opinion, at the end of the day, all these differences, all these endless racial, religion and political fighting, all these ‘you’re wrong, I’m right’ judgments won’t matter once I’m dead and buried. Because then, only God can pass judgment.

What was 2009 for me? Hmmm, well, at the top of my head, I can only pull out one thought; this year saw the longest time I’ve ever been single ever since I started dating. Hahahah, yes, I know that’s a weird thing to say but I finally got a whole lot of time just for myself, without worrying about a boyfriend and the problems that are attached to having one. And my conclusion? I’m enjoying it very much and frankly, I am much happier being single than when I was in a relationship. It just goes to prove that I am independent and able to stand on my own two feet without a man.

Anyway, 2009 was pretty much quite calm for me personally, aside from a break-up, a public love confession on my Facebook from a salesman and some minor drama here and there, but it was somewhat of a hell for some of the people close to me. Two of my best girls have had their hearts broken, one fortunately has resolved the matter while one is still being tortured almost on a daily basis by a stupid guy. I hope that the new year will be much better in terms of relationship for her.

But it wasn’t all bad for love in 2009. Many of my friends got married and another one of my best girls was proposed underwater, sooooo romantic!!

Although some people may think of me as wasting my time and life this past year, I really do think that I am much happier and calmer than I’ve been in a long time and to me, that’s all that matters. My family has my back and if my mom, dad and brother are not complaining about what I’m doing then other people’s opinions do not matter with me. And besides, I’m not borrowing any money from people to live (I have my own) so why should they care?

But I think my biggest break-through for this year was the whole change of appearance. Gone is the long hair that has been hounding me since I started school, hello to a new short, and my cousins said sexy, haircut. Ever since I cut my hair, it’s like a huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders. I’m more carefree, happy and light. Also I noticed I have more energy since I maintained my jogging routine and even managed to increase the number of rounds that I jog. I feel better these past few months and hope to maintain it in the next year.

Of course, with every year, there are windows of opportunities opening and also opportunities missed. My brother and I almost bought over a business, and although it was sad to let the chance go willingly, I guess after thinking about it intensely, that opportunity just wasn’t for us.

What’s in store for 2010? Well, looking at my calendar now, there are alot of weddings to attend as my best girls are getting married!!! And I foresee pregnancies and babies next year too . For me, I’ll be traveling alot, one agenda on my list is the climb up Mt. Kinabalu. I don’t care how long it takes, I’m going to climb all the way to the top!! Also, hopefully, the planned trip to Redang is on because I miss the island so much. Other than that, we’ll see how the year goes. I’m back to my ‘go with the flow’ motto.

So, with the new year, there’s usually a New Year’s resolution, right? Well, the past two years, my resolution was to take as many pictures as possible, which I have done, but this new year, I need to better myself in some way so I figured out what bugged me the most this year, which was doing favours for unappreciative people. So my New Year’s resolution for 2010 is to try and stop doing favours for people who don’t appreciate them or appreciate me. Trust me, there have been alot of it going on in 2009 and I’ve got to nip it in the butt.

I hope everyone will have a safe and happy New Year celebration. Do not look back to the past but focus on the future that is coming your way. We all have alot more living to do so let’s get to it!!

Happy New Year!!!

“Lucy nodded back self-consciously, aware of her puffy eyes and swollen nose. She was not a good-looking crier.”

I have come across that particular or similar line a few times in my fiction-reading history and it makes me wonder, (1) Should we be crying nicely? (2) Can we cry and maintain our immaculate face and make-up?

I mean, you cry when you’re sad, right? (Well, most of the time, I don’t count the times you cry from laughing so hard). So when you’re sad and you’re crying, won’t tears flow down your eyes? And don’t your nose and cheeks start to turn pink? Also, don’t your face kind of scrunch up from all that sorrow, anguish, pain, whatnot? When all that is happening, can you actually maintain that perfect facial expression?

I’ve seen myself cry before and trust me, it’s not a pretty sight, hahaha! Why on Earth would I want to cry prettily anyway? Maybe it would look good on my resume, “Can cry prettily.” I should get hired pretty fast, huh?