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Sometimes…

20 Feb 2010 by Legendria

Sometimes, you find yourself at a very low point in your life. It can be a time when nothing seems to go your way. It can be a time when you feel like the biggest failure in the world. It can be a time when you start to think, “What’s the point of living?” It can be a time when you feel yourself start to crumble and unable to pick up the pieces, unable to get up again (kinda like Humpty Dumpty ).

It is normal. Many people have experienced this feeling before. Some are lucky to have someone to lean on or even better, someone to help pick up the pieces, glue them back together and push them up. Others might not be as fortunate or may actually refrain from accepting or asking help from others. Everyone works in their own way, handling their life in whichever way they think is best for them. Asking for help doesn’t make one weaker than others, not asking for help doesn’t make one stronger than the rest either.

Anyway, when you feel this low, when you feel like a failure, you tend to forget that you have done some really great (ok, if not great, good then) things in your life. Just look around your room and I’m sure you have some mementos or keepsakes that bear good memories. Trophies and medals won during school competitions, certificates of education, acknowledgments of participation in activities, pictures of your travels, some writings you have done, heck, even small stuffed dolls won at funfairs count too. You’ll be amazed at how much you have done and achieved once you lean back from your misery and take a good look around.

Sure, some would say, “But those are really small things. I didn’t achieve something great like winning a nobel prize, or become a famous celebrity or a rich successful businessman.” But then again, who decides what makes you successful? Who decides what makes you great? Being rich doesn’t necessarily make you a great person, being famous doesn’t necessarily mean happiness. It’s all in your own perspective, choose your own path to what fulfills you. If you keep looking at what other people are doing, when will you have time to look at yourself and make your own success, be it richness or a close-knit family?

When I feel low (as low as a snake’s belly), I like to remember this particular story I read in Robert Allen’s ‘365 Smiles from Buddha’ and I quote:-

A certain king called together his wise men and commanded them to have a magic ring made for him. It should cheer him up when he was unhappy, but when things were going well, it should stop him from getting proud and overbearing. They went away and puzzled over the problem for a long time. At last someone had a bright idea. A gold ring was brought to the king and on it were engraved the words, “This too shall pass.”

Those four words help me alot whenever I’m down (I tend to focus on the negative, not so much on the positive unfortunately and that phrase is kind of like my mantra).

And so, I would look around my room, note the accomplishments I have done so far and I find that life doesn’t seem so bleak after all. I find that I’m not such a failure after all and that I am still capable of success, in my own way, in my own terms. Thus, the phrase above comes to mind and I know that this feeling of inadequacy will pass. Here’s hoping that your sadness will pass too.

Category: Life, Something to Think About Tags: Life, low self-esteem, self Leave a Comment

Don’t Talk To Me…

11 Jan 2010 by Legendria

I have said this many, many, MANY times both verbally and in written words; there is always a reason for the things I do.

For example, if I don’t wish to communicate with a certain person, it could be because he/she may have offended me in some way or he/she has hurt one of my family members. If I refuse to visit a certain place, it could be because I have had a bad experience or service there. If I do not comment or contribute to a conversation, it could be because I do not wish to hurt anyone’s feelings or risk being misinterpreted. There is always a reason behind my actions.

So, when I say “Do not talk to me about issues on race, religion and politics”, there is a reason behind it.

I despise talking about racial, religion and political topics because I have seen with my own eyes, I have heard with my own ears, how these issues can break a friendship, shatter a relationship, separate family members. A husband and wife can argue and sleep in separate rooms during a political election because each supports different parties. Two friends can start arguing and debating over religion and stop talking to each other because they both have their own interpretations and beliefs. A nation can be divided into groups all up in arms and accusing each other because of racial tension, each believing the other is wrong.

I find it sad.

There’s only a handful of people who I can talk these three issues with and they are my brother, my cousin (Syahrir) and my friend (Kuek). Although we all have contrasting beliefs, we are mature enough to understand that we each see things differently and yet not take that to offense, and most importantly, we know when to stop talking about it if someone is feeling slightly hot under the collar.

I would love to be as diplomatic as possible. I would love to not accuse anyone without proper proof. I would love not to pass judgment on a race, a religion, a politician. I would love not to say anything that might hurt or offend the other party. Yet, I find that regardless what I say or not say, it is never good enough. If I speak my mind and say something, it’s wrong. If I do not wish to comment and don’t say anything, it’s wrong as well. So what do you want from me?

Another thing that frustrates me alot about these types of conversation is how I always get the short end of the stick. How come you can say whatever you want, how come you can speak your mind, but I can’t? How come you can say ‘I don’t appreciate the comment you made’ and when I retaliate by saying ‘I don’t appreciate the comment you made either’, you get all defensive? If you don’t want to listen or acknowledge other people’s perspective then don’t bring up the issue, simple as that. I am not the enemy so there’s no point in you getting all riled up at me when all I am doing is listening to you talk about something I do not wish, never wish, to delve in and contributing to the conversation based on my own opinions.

Also, in these types of conversations, you’ll be amazed at the assumption people can make about you. Just because I am of a certain race and of a certain religion in a certain country, people can actually tell me that I don’t ’see’ what the other races and the other religions see because my race and my religion are getting the cream of the crop. So, am I justified in saying that because you are not of a certain race and you are not of a certain religion, you don’t ’see’ what I see? If it can go one way, it can go the other way too.

After living all these years and hearing so many things, I have learnt not to jump to the first conclusion I arrive to. That is why some people would notice that I often say, “Maybe it’s not that reason”, “Mayhaps it’s not what you think it is”, “Perhaps it’s another group causing trouble but pinning the blame on another group”, “Perhaps it’s better to say it in a different way.” Ever thought of that? Maybe not, I guess.

Don’t, please don’t, assume that you know how I think, know what I see, know what I hear, know what I say, when in fact, you don’t know me at all. Just because I don’t say certain things or don’t agree with you or don’t say things you want to hear, it doesn’t mean I am incapable of putting myself in other people’s shoes. It doesn’t mean that you’re right or you’re wrong. It just means that we have different opinions, different perspectives, different beliefs, because we are two different people and we each should respect the fact that we have our own views. Let’s just say we agree to disagree and be done with it.

This is why I love to write. It is only here, in my post, that I am able to say what I really want to say because this is my post, my blog. Some people love to talk about these three issues. They love to point out that they’re right. They love to argue non-stop and vehemently debate the other party into silence, especially about race and religion. And this is what I think (and I have mentioned this before in Silence of War): Regardless what race, religion, political party or nationality you are, ‘…strip off your skin, your colour, your beliefs, your brain, and you are all the same. You all have two hands, two feet, two eyes, one nose, one mouth. You all feel pain, sorrow, happiness. You all cry and laugh.’ To add to that, in my humbly low opinion, at the end of the day, all these differences, all these endless racial, religion and political fighting, all these ‘you’re wrong, I’m right’ judgments won’t matter once I’m dead and buried. Because then, only God can pass judgment.

Category: Life, Ramblings, Something to Think About Tags: politics, race, religion, sensitive issues Leave a Comment

It’s The New Year, People

31 Dec 2009 by Legendria

Here it is again, the last day of yet another year when people around the world gather to countdown the hours, minutes, seconds to a new year. This is also the time when people start to make resolutions and plans for the upcoming year, when people think back to the events, occasions and incidents of the past 12 months and moan or rejoice at their individual happenings. It is a sad yet joyous time; sad because another year has gone and joyous because a whole new chapter is starting.

What was 2009 for me? Hmmm, well, at the top of my head, I can only pull out one thought; this year saw the longest time I’ve ever been single ever since I started dating. Hahahah, yes, I know that’s a weird thing to say but I finally got a whole lot of time just for myself, without worrying about a boyfriend and the problems that are attached to having one. And my conclusion? I’m enjoying it very much and frankly, I am much happier being single than when I was in a relationship. It just goes to prove that I am independent and able to stand on my own two feet without a man.

Anyway, 2009 was pretty much quite calm for me personally, aside from a break-up, a public love confession on my Facebook from a salesman and some minor drama here and there, but it was somewhat of a hell for some of the people close to me. Two of my best girls have had their hearts broken, one fortunately has resolved the matter while one is still being tortured almost on a daily basis by a stupid guy. I hope that the new year will be much better in terms of relationship for her.

But it wasn’t all bad for love in 2009. Many of my friends got married and another one of my best girls was proposed underwater, sooooo romantic!!

Although some people may think of me as wasting my time and life this past year, I really do think that I am much happier and calmer than I’ve been in a long time and to me, that’s all that matters. My family has my back and if my mom, dad and brother are not complaining about what I’m doing then other people’s opinions do not matter with me. And besides, I’m not borrowing any money from people to live (I have my own) so why should they care?

But I think my biggest break-through for this year was the whole change of appearance. Gone is the long hair that has been hounding me since I started school, hello to a new short, and my cousins said sexy, haircut. Ever since I cut my hair, it’s like a huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders. I’m more carefree, happy and light. Also I noticed I have more energy since I maintained my jogging routine and even managed to increase the number of rounds that I jog. I feel better these past few months and hope to maintain it in the next year.

Of course, with every year, there are windows of opportunities opening and also opportunities missed. My brother and I almost bought over a business, and although it was sad to let the chance go willingly, I guess after thinking about it intensely, that opportunity just wasn’t for us.

What’s in store for 2010? Well, looking at my calendar now, there are alot of weddings to attend as my best girls are getting married!!! And I foresee pregnancies and babies next year too . For me, I’ll be traveling alot, one agenda on my list is the climb up Mt. Kinabalu. I don’t care how long it takes, I’m going to climb all the way to the top!! Also, hopefully, the planned trip to Redang is on because I miss the island so much. Other than that, we’ll see how the year goes. I’m back to my ‘go with the flow’ motto.

So, with the new year, there’s usually a New Year’s resolution, right? Well, the past two years, my resolution was to take as many pictures as possible, which I have done, but this new year, I need to better myself in some way so I figured out what bugged me the most this year, which was doing favours for unappreciative people. So my New Year’s resolution for 2010 is to try and stop doing favours for people who don’t appreciate them or appreciate me. Trust me, there have been alot of it going on in 2009 and I’ve got to nip it in the butt.

I hope everyone will have a safe and happy New Year celebration. Do not look back to the past but focus on the future that is coming your way. We all have alot more living to do so let’s get to it!!

Happy New Year!!!

Category: Life Leave a Comment

As I Sit Here…9

23 Dec 2009 by Legendria

As I sit here, reading Sally Anne Morris’s ‘Trick or Treat’, I find myself noticing the last sentence in this paragraph; “Lucy nodded back self-consciously, aware of her puffy eyes and swollen nose. She was not a good-looking crier.”

I have come across that particular or similar line a few times in my fiction-reading history and it makes me wonder, (1) Should we be crying nicely? (2) Can we cry and maintain our immaculate face and make-up?

I mean, you cry when you’re sad, right? (Well, most of the time, I don’t count the times you cry from laughing so hard). So when you’re sad and you’re crying, won’t tears flow down your eyes? And don’t your nose and cheeks start to turn pink? Also, don’t your face kind of scrunch up from all that sorrow, anguish, pain, whatnot? When all that is happening, can you actually maintain that perfect facial expression?

I’ve seen myself cry before and trust me, it’s not a pretty sight, hahaha! Why on Earth would I want to cry prettily anyway? Maybe it would look good on my resume, “Can cry prettily.” I should get hired pretty fast, huh?

Category: Life, Ramblings, Something to Think About Tags: crying Leave a Comment

The Dealt Hand

01 Dec 2009 by Legendria

Sometimes life deals you a hand where you have no idea which action to take. Should you fold and live to gamble another day or should you take the risk and play the round, hoping that you won’t lose much or at all?

There are times when the hand you are dealt with looks good but not good enough for you to know for sure that you’re going to win. You can decide to play it out and hope to chance, luck, God, whoever, whichever, that you would win the round. But if your confidence is kind of shaky, then maybe it’s better for you to fold and hold out until you are dealt with a hand that you are much more comfortable with.

Then again, some people would say that it’s not the dealt hand that determines the win or lose, it’s the person holding the hand. Even though it’s a losing hand, someone who knows how to handle it would make the most of whatever was given, or even better, someone who is clever would be able to turn the losing hand into a winning one.

So which one am I?

In my younger years, I usually play with whatever hand I was dealt with. No matter how bad or good it looked, my motto was always, “Go with the flow.” I mean, there’s got to be a reason why God dealt me this hand, right? Why not just play the round on the off chance that something good might come out of it. True, I didn’t come out all clean and scrape-free from some of the dealt hands but hey, I survived, didn’t I?

But now, as I approach my older years, I find myself cautious to the point of being suspicious. The hand that I am dealt with looks good, but then again, does it look good because I want it to look good? Is it good enough? Can I play this hand and come off unscathed if it were to betray me in the end? Or is my expertise too low to be able to handle it properly?

It is at that point of thinking that I start to back off because it is safer to not play than to play and risk my soul, my heart, my mind, my money, whatever, whichever. True, I might miss out on the winning of a lifetime or something semi-good, but perhaps I find myself too old to gamble anymore. When I was young, it didn’t seem that I would lose much should I choose to gamble; the healing process was quite quick for me to get back on my feet and play again in no time at all. But with time and death knocking on my door, constantly reminding me of their presence, I find it hard to just go with the flow anymore.

C.S. Lewis was quoted, “You play the hand you’re dealt. I think the game’s worthwhile.” Here’s my thinking: I don’t think I can afford to play games, in life, in relationships, anymore.

Category: Life, Something to Think About Tags: dealt hand in life, decisions, Life Leave a Comment

As I Sit Here…8

23 Nov 2009 by Legendria

As I sit here, reading the newspaper (a very rare occurrence), I noticed something slightly disturbing. I have started to take note of the names of accident victims.

I don’t think anyone, including me, would ever like to find out that someone you know has died in an accident (or worse, murdered!) in the papers. I still remember the few times I’ve seen names I recognized in the papers and trust me, it’s not a good feeling. Chills crept up from my toes to my head as I realized exactly what I was reading and I had to keep the fact that “No, it’s not a story” constantly through my mind.

Perhaps that is among one of the many reasons why I don’t really like reading the newspapers. Everyday, without fail, there is always rape, murder, killings, corruption, etc. slotted in with all the happy news of weddings, births, election winnings, etc. It’s like having my emotions put through the wringer, going “Awwww!!” at the latest pet story or smiling at a new scientific discovery only to flip to the next page and frown in disbelief at the new drugs hitting the younger generation or swearing angrily at some injustice done to someone. Sigh, it’s only 10am in the morning and I’m already emotionally tired.

Yeah, yeah, this is reality. This is the real world, get with it, girl, but still…..don’t you wish there was one day, just one single day, when nobody is being hurt or abused in any way? Just a thought.

Category: Life, Something to Think About Tags: news, newspapers Leave a Comment

As I Sit Here…7

17 Jul 2009 by Legendria

*This was written in advance on Thurs 16/7/2009 at 2.52pm in anticipation of my no-Streamyx weekend in Ipoh.

As I sit here, at One Utama’s Starbucks, waiting for my car to be all clean and fresh from the carwash, I can’t help but think that Malaysians are a bunch of free-loaders. Yes, this post is going to hurt your feelings, especially to those who attempt to get something by giving nothing.

I sit at this Starbucks regularly. I have to because I have to wait for my nephew to finish his classes and it’s a pain to go back and forth when I can just sit somewhere for a few hours to do my writing. Now because I sit here for hours and days, I have seen many types of people, and today, I see free-loaders…lots of them.

I have sat here for about 55 minutes now. At this very moment, there are three occupied tables around me on the raised platform and all three tables are people who are using Starbucks facilities without purchasing anything.

One table directly in front of me is a woman who has been charging her phone with Starbucks’s power socket since even before I came. She did not purchase any drink or food. At the table right beside me, there are two girls who came and dropped their bags and started doing their homework, also without purchasing anything. The table diagonally from me is a man who is using his laptop (charged by Starbucks’s power socket) and probably accessing Starbucks’s internet connection. He too did not purchase anything.

Let’s say that maybe Starbucks doesn’t mind people coming in and using their electricity and Internet and occupying tables that paying customers should have a right to (the Starbucks employee came by to check our tables twice without saying a word to the freeloaders), but don’t you think it’s at least a little bit courteous of you to purchase something? I would never sit in a cafe and use their facilities without at least buying a cup of coffee. In a way, it’s like paying for the convenience they provided us. But nooooo, these people just sit there, unashamed that they are actually free-loading off of other people’s money.

True, Starbucks make a lot of money. True, Starbucks might overcharge their food and drinks. True, Starbucks might be owned by the powerful Berjaya Group. But that still doesn’t give the public a right to think that they can leech off of them. If they can do it at Starbucks, don’t think they won’t do the same to other, less wealthy, less popular cafes and eateries that need every cent they can get to survive (I just lost one of my favourite cafes at the Curve that provides free Wi-Fi a few months ago).

Wake up, free-loaders, unless you want karma to come and whack you in the face by placing free-loaders in your path, leeching off your goodwill, money and property.

You know what’s the funny thing I noticed? With the exception of me, every ‘customer’ on the raised platform are all free-loaders while every single table on the floor all have at least one cup of drink on their tables. I am ashamed to be sitting up here with them.

Category: Life, Ramblings Tags: freeloaders 2 Comments

As I Sit Here…5

24 Jun 2009 by Legendria

As I sit here, back again in One Utama’s Starbucks, a big group of foreigners walked up onto the mini-platform where I and a few others were currently sitting at our respective tables. Imagine my surprise (and annoyance) when one of the kids sat as nonchalantly as you can be into the seat right opposite me at my table.

Now, I don’t know how other cultures are but in Malaysia, you don’t simply plunk yourself down at a table which is currently occupied, even if there’s an empty seat and even if there’s only one person there. You ask permission if you could sit there or if you could take the empty chair. You do not just sit as though it’s your house, it’s a breach of ‘comfort zone’.

What’s ‘comfort zone’? Let me explain. Everyone has a personal space which they would feel uncomfortable if someone comes too close. It’s like how annoyed you feel when you’re lining up and the person behind you keeps standing too close to you. It’s like how weird you feel when a total stranger walks side by side with you. My comfort zone is extremely large when I’m out alone and when I’m sitting down in a cafe or restaurant, my comfort zone spans the entire table that I am at, regardless of its size. So yes, you are breaching my comfort zone if you’re a stranger and you sit unwanted and uninvited at my table. Shoo!!

People might find my need for personal space unfriendly and rude but that is how it is. Would you like it if you ordered a meal and I invade your table by taking some of your food without asking and without being offered any? Would you like it if I breath down your neck while lining up to buy movie tickets? Would you like it if I keep jumping and dancing into you at a concert? Would you like it if I stretch my hands out into your face in the cinema? Yes, now you understand the need for personal space and the importance of ‘comfort zone’.

You know what I’m most disappointed in regarding this matter? The parents are right there, not four feet away, and they didn’t say a single thing to their ’space-breaching’ son.

Category: Life, Something to Think About Tags: comfort zone, culture, personal space Leave a Comment

As I Sit Here…4

20 Jun 2009 by Legendria

As I sit here, outside Mid Valley’s Kim Gary restaurant, I couldn’t help but stare at each of my friends. I haven’t seen them in a while so having the chance to hang out with them again was great fun.

It’s hard to believe that more than 10 years have passed since we graduated from high school because we still act the same; our behaviours, our automatic ability to be at ease with each other even though we haven’t seen each other in such a long time. Of course, there are some changes in each of us but our conversation is still filled with laughter and merriment just like before.

I’m sure that some of you are aware that in every group of friends, there are different categories of people, like the joker, the storyteller, the laugher, the beauty, the listener and the academic, to name a few. As the hours pass by, it became obvious to me who is which among my friends.

Filled with stories, which some of us don’t even remember, is Keiko, whom I noticed is the main talker whenever the group is together. She is the one who keeps us entertained with numerous stories and keeps us up-to-date with the latest gossips. Michelle is, without a doubt, the laugher whose laughter is loud and contagious and has been since our high school days. She is the other story-teller when Keiko runs out of topics. Djoanna is the quiet one, usually listening to the conversation yet contributing unexpected quips and lines every so often. Keeping the laughter going with her vivid imagination is Dyna, who comes up with some of the weirdest and comedic story lines. As for me, my role in the group changes with the situation but I’m usually the observer and in school, I was the reader who always had a book at all times.

We were missing two more members from our usual group in high school, though. From what I remember of Mel back in school, she is usually the clever one with somewhat of a dry humour and wit. Ena is the sarcastic one with a sharp tongue that is funny to us but might seem hurtful to some.

I’m not trying to brand people or place them in a certain category or anything, it’s simply the way we are. It’s like that quiz I keep seeing in Facebook recently, ‘In your circle of friends, what label are you?’. We could be totally different when we hang out with other friends but when we gather together, this is what I observe and I wouldn’t want them to change in any way. I’m sure after this post, you will start to notice the ‘label’ and ‘roles’ of your own friends.

It’s sometimes a shame how fast time goes by and how little time we have to meet up with one another. And so, I hope that we can still have fun together even as we grow older, even though we are married with kids, and even though we are busy with work. Here’s to more fun and enjoyable outings!! Cheers!!

Category: Life, Something to Think About Tags: friends, friendship, high school Leave a Comment

When The Night Comes

22 Apr 2009 by Legendria

I awoke with a start, the primal instinct taking over as the first thought that urged my body to move was ‘RUN!’ And I ran, all the way to my mom’s room, hammering away at the door, which she had locked.

Before anyone starts thinking that I’m a mommy’s girl, let me de-mist the situation.

A few nights ago, when I had finally drifted off to sleep at 2 a.m., I was jostled out of my slumber by a very loud, very long thunder. Mingled in with my instinct to run was my rational (or irrational, whichever you may please) thought saying, “The end of the world is here. The monster has awaken from the land.” (For those who don’t understand, ask a Muslim about the monster that is supposed to emerge when the end of the world is nigh). In all my life, I have never heard a thunder that sounds so much like a monster roaring at the heavens, and I have been through some of the worst rainstorms to hit my area.

I couldn’t sleep for an hour after that. I had to psychically and mentally calm my body down, which was unfortunately still on edge at every single sound, the muscles twitching in preparation for leap. I woke up a few hours later, exhausted and tensed. It was not a good feeling.

It makes me wonder whether anyone else has a problem like mine. My house used to be extremely sensitive to thunder and lightning so the slightest thunder vibration will automatically shut the whole house’s electrical system, engulfing us in darkness. Ever since I saw a ghost in my room at the age of 14, I wasn’t able to sleep without a light on after that and so, somewhat as per Pavlov’s classical conditioning, whenever there’s rain at night, I will wake up scared. Why? Because rain = thunder = electricity off = darkness = something I don’t want to see!!!

Yeah, yeah, call me a baby. But can I help it if it’s been imprinted in me? I’m only fine if someone is sleeping with me but since I’m not married and I don’t have any siblings staying with me, I have to make do by kidnapping my cat to sleep with me on my bed. Which he doesn’t mind, by the way, since he’s scared of thunder as well.