Let’s face it, friends fight, families argue, even unknown strangers can just ruin your entire day by being totally rude to you for no apparent reason. Some people are fortunate enough to not be bothered by this ‘verbal diarrhea’ (yes, this phrase does exist, ahaha, check it out here) or are too close to allow any quarrels to ruin their relationship. However, for others, there is a limit to how much verbal and emotional abuse they can take before they snap, either by retorting or by isolating themselves.

Yes, humans can be boring, constantly repeating their woes, their stresses. Humans can be ’so lah drama’ (so true ). Humans can be insensitive to the feelings of others, only paying attention to their need to vent to anyone, even if that unfortunate person doesn’t deserve it. We can go on and on about the negativity of the human race, BUT…that is part of what we are, it is a no-refund-or-exchange package of a human. We cannot totally absolve our emotional trauma, we can only hope to squash it a little or learn to control it better. Some are able to do it better than most or are only able to do so after years of trial and error while some just simply don’t bother.

I’ve had my fair share of being the brunt of people’s verbal diarrhea; sometimes it’s just them letting out some steam but more often than not, it’s a ‘constructive conversation’ (a polite term of ‘critical continuous attack’ ) on my being. I wish they would just take a step back and look at themselves first before they keep pointing out my flaws. I’m not perfect but then again…..neither are you.

Attempting to see the positive side of it is not easy so I prefer thinking of a more humorous side of this particular situation, which I find much much easier to handle. I remember this story I read in Robert Allen’s ‘365 Pep Talks from Buddha’ and I quote:-

Two monks were disputing an obscure point of the dharma. One began to get angry and, as he made his points, his voice got louder and louder. At last the other said, “I admit that your arguments are sound.” Satisfied, the belligerent monk walked off. “Nothing but sound,” muttered the other monk to himself.

It’s true that most emotional outbursts are just sounds and it’s true that any words we deem unworthy of our time or unsuitable for our ‘delicate’ ears are just noise, but it’s more about how we handle our own drama and how we handle hearing other people’s drama. I try to use humour to diffuse negative feelings whenever I’m confronted by people. Here’s hoping that you have your own, and perhaps better, way of dealing it.

It is normal. Many people have experienced this feeling before. Some are lucky to have someone to lean on or even better, someone to help pick up the pieces, glue them back together and push them up. Others might not be as fortunate or may actually refrain from accepting or asking help from others. Everyone works in their own way, handling their life in whichever way they think is best for them. Asking for help doesn’t make one weaker than others, not asking for help doesn’t make one stronger than the rest either.

Anyway, when you feel this low, when you feel like a failure, you tend to forget that you have done some really great (ok, if not great, good then) things in your life. Just look around your room and I’m sure you have some mementos or keepsakes that bear good memories. Trophies and medals won during school competitions, certificates of education, acknowledgments of participation in activities, pictures of your travels, some writings you have done, heck, even small stuffed dolls won at funfairs count too. You’ll be amazed at how much you have done and achieved once you lean back from your misery and take a good look around.

Sure, some would say, “But those are really small things. I didn’t achieve something great like winning a nobel prize, or become a famous celebrity or a rich successful businessman.” But then again, who decides what makes you successful? Who decides what makes you great? Being rich doesn’t necessarily make you a great person, being famous doesn’t necessarily mean happiness. It’s all in your own perspective, choose your own path to what fulfills you. If you keep looking at what other people are doing, when will you have time to look at yourself and make your own success, be it richness or a close-knit family?

When I feel low (as low as a snake’s belly), I like to remember this particular story I read in Robert Allen’s ‘365 Smiles from Buddha’ and I quote:-

A certain king called together his wise men and commanded them to have a magic ring made for him. It should cheer him up when he was unhappy, but when things were going well, it should stop him from getting proud and overbearing. They went away and puzzled over the problem for a long time. At last someone had a bright idea. A gold ring was brought to the king and on it were engraved the words, “This too shall pass.”

Those four words help me alot whenever I’m down (I tend to focus on the negative, not so much on the positive unfortunately and that phrase is kind of like my mantra).

And so, I would look around my room, note the accomplishments I have done so far and I find that life doesn’t seem so bleak after all. I find that I’m not such a failure after all and that I am still capable of success, in my own way, in my own terms. Thus, the phrase above comes to mind and I know that this feeling of inadequacy will pass. Here’s hoping that your sadness will pass too.

“Auntie, I want Milo,” he says.

“I want Milo, please,” I tell him, still trying to educate him on politeness.

“I want Milo, pleeeeease,” he repeats after me, stretching the last word. “I- I want Milo so I can grow big.”

“Why you want to grow big?” Excuse my English, I am, after all, talking to a 4-year old whose native tongue is Bahasa Malaysia.

“I want…I want to be bigger than my friend.” I glance over at his friend/classmate, who is a white boy with a build that is bigger and taller than my slightly slim and small nephew. I dig out my purse and listen with half an ear as my nephew proceeds to tell me how he wants to be stronger and taller so he wants to drink Milo everyday.

As I watch him run off with my RM10 note to the food counter, I start to wonder why my nephew thought Milo would help him grow bigger. Then I remember my own experience, also involving Milo.

When I was in primary school, we had a mini inter-class race. I remember spurring on one of my teammates in particular because she had eaten some Milo snacks (I think it was Milo nuggets or something) before the race. I was muttering, “C’mon, you can do it. After all, you ate Milo just now.” Don’t ask me the reasoning behind this; at that point in time, in my childish mind, I had some sort of belief that Milo has the power to make you run faster, be stronger, etc. When it came to my turn at the race, I sprinted, believing the whole time that I can zoom pass all the other kids because I had a ‘Milo’ edge. Don’t ask me if we won ‘coz I can’t remember, haha!

Nestle Milo (from www.deliver2u.com.my)

The thing is it’s amazing how some advertisements can penetrate your conscious mind and it’s even more amazing how the same product can span the generations  (case in point, me and my nephew) with the same belief; Minum Milo, Anda Jadi Sihat Dan Kuat (direct trans: Drink Milo, you’ll be healthy and strong. The real English slogan is something like Nestle Milo Brings Out The Champion In You!) Makes me wonder what other advertisements have penetrated my mind without me knowing.

P.S: Do you know that Nestle came out with a Neslo sachet (Nescafe coffee with Milo, for those who dunno)? I still haven’t tried it yet but I’m gonna give that and the Nescafe Tarik sachet a try as soon as I find them, yum!

For example, if I don’t wish to communicate with a certain person, it could be because he/she may have offended me in some way or he/she has hurt one of my family members. If I refuse to visit a certain place, it could be because I have had a bad experience or service there. If I do not comment or contribute to a conversation, it could be because I do not wish to hurt anyone’s feelings or risk being misinterpreted. There is always a reason behind my actions.

So, when I say “Do not talk to me about issues on race, religion and politics”, there is a reason behind it.

I despise talking about racial, religion and political topics because I have seen with my own eyes, I have heard with my own ears, how these issues can break a friendship, shatter a relationship, separate family members. A husband and wife can argue and sleep in separate rooms during a political election because each supports different parties. Two friends can start arguing and debating over religion and stop talking to each other because they both have their own interpretations and beliefs. A nation can be divided into groups all up in arms and accusing each other because of racial tension, each believing the other is wrong.

I find it sad.

There’s only a handful of people who I can talk these three issues with and they are my brother, my cousin (Syahrir) and my friend (Kuek). Although we all have contrasting beliefs, we are mature enough to understand that we each see things differently and yet not take that to offense, and most importantly, we know when to stop talking about it if someone is feeling slightly hot under the collar.

I would love to be as diplomatic as possible. I would love to not accuse anyone without proper proof. I would love not to pass judgment on a race, a religion, a politician. I would love not to say anything that might hurt or offend the other party. Yet, I find that regardless what I say or not say, it is never good enough. If I speak my mind and say something, it’s wrong. If I do not wish to comment and don’t say anything, it’s wrong as well. So what do you want from me?

Another thing that frustrates me alot about these types of conversation is how I always get the short end of the stick. How come you can say whatever you want, how come you can speak your mind, but I can’t? How come you can say ‘I don’t appreciate the comment you made’ and when I retaliate by saying ‘I don’t appreciate the comment you made either’, you get all defensive? If you don’t want to listen or acknowledge other people’s perspective then don’t bring up the issue, simple as that. I am not the enemy so there’s no point in you getting all riled up at me when all I am doing is listening to you talk about something I do not wish, never wish, to delve in and contributing to the conversation based on my own opinions.

Also, in these types of conversations, you’ll be amazed at the assumption people can make about you. Just because I am of a certain race and of a certain religion in a certain country, people can actually tell me that I don’t ’see’ what the other races and the other religions see because my race and my religion are getting the cream of the crop. So, am I justified in saying that because you are not of a certain race and you are not of a certain religion, you don’t ’see’ what I see? If it can go one way, it can go the other way too.

After living all these years and hearing so many things, I have learnt not to jump to the first conclusion I arrive to. That is why some people would notice that I often say, “Maybe it’s not that reason”, “Mayhaps it’s not what you think it is”, “Perhaps it’s another group causing trouble but pinning the blame on another group”, “Perhaps it’s better to say it in a different way.” Ever thought of that? Maybe not, I guess.

Don’t, please don’t, assume that you know how I think, know what I see, know what I hear, know what I say, when in fact, you don’t know me at all. Just because I don’t say certain things or don’t agree with you or don’t say things you want to hear, it doesn’t mean I am incapable of putting myself in other people’s shoes. It doesn’t mean that you’re right or you’re wrong. It just means that we have different opinions, different perspectives, different beliefs, because we are two different people and we each should respect the fact that we have our own views. Let’s just say we agree to disagree and be done with it.

This is why I love to write. It is only here, in my post, that I am able to say what I really want to say because this is my post, my blog. Some people love to talk about these three issues. They love to point out that they’re right. They love to argue non-stop and vehemently debate the other party into silence, especially about race and religion. And this is what I think (and I have mentioned this before in Silence of War): Regardless what race, religion, political party or nationality you are, ‘…strip off your skin, your colour, your beliefs, your brain, and you are all the same. You all have two hands, two feet, two eyes, one nose, one mouth. You all feel pain, sorrow, happiness. You all cry and laugh.’ To add to that, in my humbly low opinion, at the end of the day, all these differences, all these endless racial, religion and political fighting, all these ‘you’re wrong, I’m right’ judgments won’t matter once I’m dead and buried. Because then, only God can pass judgment.

“Lucy nodded back self-consciously, aware of her puffy eyes and swollen nose. She was not a good-looking crier.”

I have come across that particular or similar line a few times in my fiction-reading history and it makes me wonder, (1) Should we be crying nicely? (2) Can we cry and maintain our immaculate face and make-up?

I mean, you cry when you’re sad, right? (Well, most of the time, I don’t count the times you cry from laughing so hard). So when you’re sad and you’re crying, won’t tears flow down your eyes? And don’t your nose and cheeks start to turn pink? Also, don’t your face kind of scrunch up from all that sorrow, anguish, pain, whatnot? When all that is happening, can you actually maintain that perfect facial expression?

I’ve seen myself cry before and trust me, it’s not a pretty sight, hahaha! Why on Earth would I want to cry prettily anyway? Maybe it would look good on my resume, “Can cry prettily.” I should get hired pretty fast, huh?

There are times when the hand you are dealt with looks good but not good enough for you to know for sure that you’re going to win. You can decide to play it out and hope to chance, luck, God, whoever, whichever, that you would win the round. But if your confidence is kind of shaky, then maybe it’s better for you to fold and hold out until you are dealt with a hand that you are much more comfortable with.

Then again, some people would say that it’s not the dealt hand that determines the win or lose, it’s the person holding the hand. Even though it’s a losing hand, someone who knows how to handle it would make the most of whatever was given, or even better, someone who is clever would be able to turn the losing hand into a winning one.

So which one am I?

In my younger years, I usually play with whatever hand I was dealt with. No matter how bad or good it looked, my motto was always, “Go with the flow.” I mean, there’s got to be a reason why God dealt me this hand, right? Why not just play the round on the off chance that something good might come out of it. True, I didn’t come out all clean and scrape-free from some of the dealt hands but hey, I survived, didn’t I?

But now, as I approach my older years, I find myself cautious to the point of being suspicious. The hand that I am dealt with looks good, but then again, does it look good because I want it to look good? Is it good enough? Can I play this hand and come off unscathed if it were to betray me in the end? Or is my expertise too low to be able to handle it properly?

It is at that point of thinking that I start to back off because it is safer to not play than to play and risk my soul, my heart, my mind, my money, whatever, whichever. True, I might miss out on the winning of a lifetime or something semi-good, but perhaps I find myself too old to gamble anymore. When I was young, it didn’t seem that I would lose much should I choose to gamble; the healing process was quite quick for me to get back on my feet and play again in no time at all. But with time and death knocking on my door, constantly reminding me of their presence, I find it hard to just go with the flow anymore.

C.S. Lewis was quoted, “You play the hand you’re dealt. I think the game’s worthwhile.” Here’s my thinking: I don’t think I can afford to play games, in life, in relationships, anymore.

I don’t think anyone, including me, would ever like to find out that someone you know has died in an accident (or worse, murdered!) in the papers. I still remember the few times I’ve seen names I recognized in the papers and trust me, it’s not a good feeling. Chills crept up from my toes to my head as I realized exactly what I was reading and I had to keep the fact that “No, it’s not a story” constantly through my mind.

Perhaps that is among one of the many reasons why I don’t really like reading the newspapers. Everyday, without fail, there is always rape, murder, killings, corruption, etc. slotted in with all the happy news of weddings, births, election winnings, etc. It’s like having my emotions put through the wringer, going “Awwww!!” at the latest pet story or smiling at a new scientific discovery only to flip to the next page and frown in disbelief at the new drugs hitting the younger generation or swearing angrily at some injustice done to someone. Sigh, it’s only 10am in the morning and I’m already emotionally tired.

Yeah, yeah, this is reality. This is the real world, get with it, girl, but still…..don’t you wish there was one day, just one single day, when nobody is being hurt or abused in any way? Just a thought.

I can just imagine it now (and I actually did have a short vision right at the drive-thru). I’d pull up to the window, wait for the counter-person to stick his/her head out of the window and asks me for my order.

“Hi, can I have one Gardenia loaf, a dozen eggs and a Dorina butter please?”

“We only have Nutriplus eggs. Will that be alright?”

“Yeah, that’ll be fine. Oh, could you also put in a small packet of Milo please?”

“Ok, that will be RMXX.XX. Please wait a moment while I bag your items.”

Yeah, yeah, I know, kind of a long daydream for someone waiting for her burger, but think about it, I think it will be a damn convenient way to buy groceries. I mean, most of the people who goes to the supermarket already know what they need to buy, they even make a list to bring with them. Can’t we just hand the list over to a drive-thru grocery and not waste all the time of searching for items and ending up buying stuff that you don’t need or want? Someone should check into this possibility.

I wonder if there are other industries that can have a drive-thru. Hmmmm…

Now, I don’t know how other cultures are but in Malaysia, you don’t simply plunk yourself down at a table which is currently occupied, even if there’s an empty seat and even if there’s only one person there. You ask permission if you could sit there or if you could take the empty chair. You do not just sit as though it’s your house, it’s a breach of ‘comfort zone’.

What’s ‘comfort zone’? Let me explain. Everyone has a personal space which they would feel uncomfortable if someone comes too close. It’s like how annoyed you feel when you’re lining up and the person behind you keeps standing too close to you. It’s like how weird you feel when a total stranger walks side by side with you. My comfort zone is extremely large when I’m out alone and when I’m sitting down in a cafe or restaurant, my comfort zone spans the entire table that I am at, regardless of its size. So yes, you are breaching my comfort zone if you’re a stranger and you sit unwanted and uninvited at my table. Shoo!!

People might find my need for personal space unfriendly and rude but that is how it is. Would you like it if you ordered a meal and I invade your table by taking some of your food without asking and without being offered any? Would you like it if I breath down your neck while lining up to buy movie tickets? Would you like it if I keep jumping and dancing into you at a concert? Would you like it if I stretch my hands out into your face in the cinema? Yes, now you understand the need for personal space and the importance of ‘comfort zone’.

You know what I’m most disappointed in regarding this matter? The parents are right there, not four feet away, and they didn’t say a single thing to their ’space-breaching’ son.

It’s hard to believe that more than 10 years have passed since we graduated from high school because we still act the same; our behaviours, our automatic ability to be at ease with each other even though we haven’t seen each other in such a long time. Of course, there are some changes in each of us but our conversation is still filled with laughter and merriment just like before.

I’m sure that some of you are aware that in every group of friends, there are different categories of people, like the joker, the storyteller, the laugher, the beauty, the listener and the academic, to name a few. As the hours pass by, it became obvious to me who is which among my friends.

Filled with stories, which some of us don’t even remember, is Keiko, whom I noticed is the main talker whenever the group is together. She is the one who keeps us entertained with numerous stories and keeps us up-to-date with the latest gossips. Michelle is, without a doubt, the laugher whose laughter is loud and contagious and has been since our high school days. She is the other story-teller when Keiko runs out of topics. Djoanna is the quiet one, usually listening to the conversation yet contributing unexpected quips and lines every so often. Keeping the laughter going with her vivid imagination is Dyna, who comes up with some of the weirdest and comedic story lines. As for me, my role in the group changes with the situation but I’m usually the observer and in school, I was the reader who always had a book at all times.

We were missing two more members from our usual group in high school, though. From what I remember of Mel back in school, she is usually the clever one with somewhat of a dry humour and wit. Ena is the sarcastic one with a sharp tongue that is funny to us but might seem hurtful to some.

I’m not trying to brand people or place them in a certain category or anything, it’s simply the way we are. It’s like that quiz I keep seeing in Facebook recently, ‘In your circle of friends, what label are you?’. We could be totally different when we hang out with other friends but when we gather together, this is what I observe and I wouldn’t want them to change in any way. I’m sure after this post, you will start to notice the ‘label’ and ‘roles’ of your own friends.

It’s sometimes a shame how fast time goes by and how little time we have to meet up with one another. And so, I hope that we can still have fun together even as we grow older, even though we are married with kids, and even though we are busy with work. Here’s to more fun and enjoyable outings!! Cheers!!