* * *

M was talking on the phone with a meat supplier. She was trying to purchase a turkey for an event and her ‘blue headed’ colleague, Mr S, was listening in on her side of the conversation.

M: Do you think you can supply us with a turkey for this event we’re holding? Yeah, but I need to know…uh-huh, alrite. How big is your bird? No, I need to know how big your bird is. Yeah, how big is your bird?

Mr S was just guffawing away until M realized what exactly she kept repeating to the male supplier on the phone.

* * *

On a shopping trip, M saw a t-shirt that she thought was really cute. Holding it up to herself, she saw that the t-shirt was too big for her so she called the girl sales assistant over.

M: Do you have an ‘S’? Can I see your ‘S’ please? (At this point, M’s friend started laughing aloud at what he just heard with his ‘dirty’ ears.)

Sales assistant: Yes, yes, I will show you the ‘S’. (Hearing this, M’s friend started laughing even harder.)

* * *

While driving towards our destination, my friends and I were discussing which road was the best to take. Either direction would take us to the same destination and as I was the driver, it didn’t matter to me as I was familiar with both roads.

So I said, “I can go both ways. Either way also can. No problem for me.”

Suddenly, my friend, S, started giggling in the backseat, tickled by the fact that I was perhaps talking about my sexual relationship preferences.

* * *

Hanging out with my cousins at an eatery, we were munching on french fries when one cousin started to cut the long french fries into bite sizes.

S: No, don’t cut them. I like long ones.

A: But it’s easier to eat them when they’re short.

N: I like them short. So S can have the long ones, give me the short ones.

It took us about a second to realize what our conversation sounded like and we started laughing at ourselves.

* * *

A family was celebrating their child’s birthday and had balloons blown up for the occasion at an eatery.

The father, who was holding a balloon, looked at his young son and said, “Look at my balloon. My balloon so small. Wah, look at yours. Your balloon so big, bigger than mine.”

My cousins and I, who were sitting at the next table, had to refrain from laughing at the ‘double meaning’ we heard in his words.

* * *

Driving back from a short outing, my cousin and I ended up talking about balloons and the sound they make when you rub them.

A: Oooh, I cannot. I’m scared of balloons. Scared they will pop.

Me: How can you be scared of balloons? You love blowing balloons.

Glancing at each other, we broke out in loud laughter inside the car.

* * *

Yes, some of the instances are very lame and most people won’t even realize the implications. But then, sometimes you just get into that state of mind when everything said seems to have a ‘dirty’ element/meaning in it.

On a group tour in Thailand one year, the bus brought us to this gigantic mall-like place where they sell local spices and ingredients. The whole busload came down so there were alot of us here and there in the shop. Being a young teenager, I stuck with my mom the entire time and eventually got bored. Standing a few feet away from her as she bargained and chitchatted with the counter lady, I turned around to watch the other counters.

It was a few minutes later when I turned back to my mom, only to find her missing. I shrugged inwardly, thinking she must be just a few counters away. So I walked around slowly and started to notice that the group I was touring with were getting less and less. Thinking that some of them have gotten bored and went back on the bus, I continued my search for my shopaholic mom. Going completely around the entire shop, my worry grew steadily as my mom stayed missing.

I peered through the glass front door and saw that the bus was still there so I didn’t start to panic yet. Walking a few feet away from the door, I heard running footsteps and saw my mom bursting through the door.

Apparently, after buying her stuff, she looked at her watch and hurried to the bus. Sitting in her seat, she started to put her purchases away and heard the tour guide asking if everyone was on board. My mom nodded and said ‘yes’ along with the group as she finally leaned comfortably into her seat. She glanced at the seat next to her and only then did she realize that she had left her daughter behind. She yelled at the tour guide to wait as she flew down the bus steps to get me.

I still can’t believe to this day how my mom can actually not realize she had left her daughter behind. Suffice to say, I was not happy with her for that entire day.

Back when I was younger, I kept hanging out at my cousin’s house in Shah Alam (about 25 minutes drive from my house). Either my dad or mom would send me there and pick me up after they were done with their chores and work. So one day, my mom sent another cousin and I over to play.

As usual, just before evening, my mom came to pick us up, and here I have to relate my cousin’s side of this experience.

My cousin was already settled in the back seat with all her stuff while I was still standing outside the car with my door ajar. Suddenly, my mom put her car into gear and started to slowly drive the car away. With my door still ajar, I sarcastically said, “Bye, mom” but still she drove on and the movement of the car caused the door to close lightly.

My cousin, who was in the car, could only look at my Shah Alam cousin and I through the rear window as we slowly became small specks in her view. She turned quickly to the front and said to my mom, “Auntie, isn’t your daughter following us back?” To which my mom did not reply.

My poor cousin thought my mom was angry and so she kept quiet, not daring to say anything more. Just as they were reaching the highway toll, which was about 5 minutes from my Shah Alam cousin’s house, my mom asked me, “Is my book there at the backseat?” When there was no answer from me, she repeated her question. That’s when my cousin burst out in a panic, “She’s not here!!”

It took my mom 5 minutes before she realized that her daughter was not in the car with her. When she first drove away, my Shah Alam cousin and I thought she was joking or will notice my absence just before she turned off the road. We could only stand there and stare after the car, my cousin in puzzled wonderment and me in a somewhat nonchalant anger with my hands folded across my chest. Apparently, we were still standing in the driveway when my mom sped back down the road to the house.

One day, four of us decided to walk to Subang Parade to meet up with some friends. Keiko was terribly tired and lagged behind slightly with Dyna while Michelle and I was up front. The walkway we were on was just opposite Subang Parade, where a stall was selling ‘pisang goreng’ (fried banana) nearby a huge drain.

Being in front, Michelle and I were not aware of what was happening but as Dyna and Keiko remember it, it went like this.

Keiko, being tired, was not obvious to her surroundings and simply walked on, not even noticing that she has somehow walked right into the drain path and fell into it. Standing in the drain, with only her head sticking slightly out, she wondered why her view has gotten distorted and puzzled over why she could only see legs. She stared for awhile, still standing in the drain, before it finally registered in her head that people were laughing and that she had somehow fallen in without even realizing it.

Pity her, as she tried to climb out by herself, the rest of us were too busy laughing to help.

You know how it’s wrong to drink and drive? Well, you might get away with it in Malaysia but in Perth, the policemen are much more dutiful and are not at all susceptible to bribes.

Anyway, a group of guys decided to grab a bite to eat at a nearby burger joint in the wee hours of the morning. They had been up all night drinking and were all totally sloshed over. However, even in their drunken state, they still managed to think about their safety (and the huge fine for drinking-and-driving), and so they appointed the least drunk guy to drive.

Since it was very early in the morning (or very late at night, whichever you please), only the drive-through was opened. Just as they reached the burger joint, one of them, who had been staring out the window in a hazy daze, saw a police patrol car parked right beside the drive-through. They stopped the car, fearing that the police might pull them over. Some of them thought maybe it was best to just turn around and go elsewhere but the others were too hungry. And so, they came up with a clever plan.

One by one, a car would pull up to the drive-through, order and drive off. In the middle of the lined-up cars was a lone man, waiting patiently for his turn at the drive-through counter and nonchalantly walking up to place his order. The counter guy and the police must have been used to such weird sights in Perth for they didn’t even bat an eye.

Grabbing the take-out bags, the guy made his way back to his companions where they ate in the car until they were sure one of them was sober enough to drive them all back to their student housing.

Not bad for a group of drunken guys. It proves that your brain still functions even though it’s intoxicated by alcohol, or maybe the alcohol actually helps. 8)

I slid the glass door open and entered my student housing’s living room. From the voices I heard coming from the first bedroom, I guessed that my housemate had company. I yelled out a simple ‘Hi!’ as I dumped my sling bag and books on the dining table.

Muffled footsteps made their way towards me and I looked up to see my friend, Edwin. However, I don’t think he noticed me as he was staring intently at a light bulb he was grasping with both hands.

He stopped a few feet near me and I asked him quizzically, “What are you doing?”

Without looking up, he answered, “Azreena told me that she can light up a bulb just by concentrating her energy to it. She said I can do it too if I focus, so I’m trying it now.”

His grip slackened momentarily and he let out a soft sigh before firming his grasp on the bulb again. I could veins sticking slightly out of his forehead in his effort.

I stared at him, my mouth slightly opened in disbelief, but I kept silent. More muffled footsteps sounded and the ‘kinetic’ woman entered the room with a mischievious smile on her face. I moved towards her and asked in a whisper, “How long has he been doing that?”

“5 minutes,” she replied with a soft snicker.

By this time, Edwin must have realized that something was amiss based on our whispered conversation as he looked up from the bulb at us and noticed the grin on Azreena’s face.

“You were pulling my leg, weren’t you?” he yelled. “I thought it was impossible but since you said you could do it, I thought I’d try too. I can’t believe I held the light bulb that long.”

“I can’t believe you didn’t realize it when she said it,” I replied, joining in Azreena’s laughter.

That’s only one of a long list of stories I could relate from my university days. I wonder what pranks people will be doing today. Have fun, but please remember, pranks are meant to be fun, not mean. Laugh with the people you are joking with, not laugh at them. Enjoy!!

When I was in high school, I had class with this one guy, who I had a small crush on, and about four of his friends. They were all seated at the front of the class (because they were naughty and the class teacher wanted to keep an eye on them) while I was seated somewhere in the middle. Now, whenever we have a free period or in between classes, these boys like to hang out at the table just before the classroom door, which was also near the waste-basket.

One of my pens had just run out of ink and I was thinking to myself, “Ah, damn. I need to throw this away now.” Too lazy to get out from my chair and walk to the front, I cleverly decided to just throw it in the direction of the waste-basket in the hopes that it will miraculously fall into the bin.

Taking aim, I flicked the pen like a throwing dagger and watched in mild horror as it sailed through the air  swerved slightly and hit one of my crush’s friends right smack in the middle of his forehead.

At that time, they were all gathered around their usual table, telling jokes, and the boy I hit was laughing at something and abruptly stopped when the unforeseen object interrupted his fun. All of them stared dumbfounded at the ‘victim’ before turning around and noticing my gaping mouth. They then started pointing fingers at me and howled in laughter at the ‘victim’.

I kept apologizing from my seat and the boy nonchalantly waved my apologies away and tried to resume the conversation. It would have seemed cool if it wasn’t for his face turning bright red.

A lecturer, when explaining stress management to an audience, raised a glass of water and asked, ‘How heavy is this glass of water?’

Answers called out ranged from 20g to 500g.

The lecturer replied, ‘The absolute weight doesn’t matter. It depends on how long you try to hold it.’

‘If I hold it for a minute, that’s not a problem. If I hold it for an hour, I’ll have an ache in my right arm. If I hold it for a day, you’ll have to call an ambulance.’

‘In each case, it’s the same weight, but the longer I hold it, the heavier it becomes.’

He continued, ‘And that’s the way it is with stress management. If we carry our burdens all the time, sooner or later, as the burden becomes increasingly heavy, we won’t be able to carry on.’

‘As with the glass of water, you have to put it down for a while and rest before holding it again. When we’re refreshed, we can carry on with the burden.’

‘So, before you return home tonight, put the burden of work down. Don’t carry it home. You can pick it up tomorrow. Whatever burdens you’re carrying now, let them down for a moment if you can.’

If you’ve ever wondered why experienced people tell you, ‘Leave your work at the office. Don’t bring it home.’ or ‘Leave your personal problems at the door’, this is why. It’s to help you relieve your stress burden.

I wriggled in my cinema seat for the umpteenth time, trying my best to find a more comfortable position. It wasn’t the seat that was making me restless, however, it was the movie we’ve chosen for the night.

Watchmen is originally a 12-issue comic published by DC Comics back in the mid-80s. What makes the superheroes in Watchmen different from other comic superheroes is the fact that they are not superheroes at all, in many aspects. When we hear ’superhero’, we usually think of characters like Superman with his alien powers or Batman with his strong sense of justice. The Watchmen characters, however, are a deconstruction of the superhero concept, proving that underneath their masks, they are still humans with their anxieties, disorders and destructive tendencies.

Since I have never read the comic version, I am unable to say whether the movie did justice to its origins. But I can say that I find Watchmen similar to Sin City the movie. The narration style is interesting as the narrator changes every so often, providing insight into the thoughts and stories of the main characters. The editing style comprises of numerous flashbacks to the point I couldn’t tell whether it was the past or the present. In my friend’s opinion, he described the cinematography as ’staying true to the comic-story-style.’

Honestly, I don’t quite like the movie. While I like how the plot dives into the horrors of the human minds and actions, especially the twistedness of the Comedian (played by Jeffrey Dean Morgan), it was just too slow with too many twists and turns to make it enjoyable in one seating. I find myself wishing I could pause it and watch the ending later.

Comedian's Trademark Badge

Speaking of the Comedian, Edward Blake (the real identity of the masked man) is far from a humourous man, his view on the world majorly distorted from the Watchmen’s goals. The Comedian is part of the original Watchmen team formed in the 1940s and reformed 20 years later with new members. The original and new team members are either arrested, dead, murdered or forced into retirement when a ruling against masked vigilantes came out. However, the murder of the Comedian forced Rorschach, a.k.a. Walter Kovacs (played by Jackie Earle Haley), to seek out the rest of his team.

Rorschach

I never did understand how those ink splotches on Rorschach’s mask moves around. Is it a play on your imagination or does it really moves on its own? In my opinion, Rorschach is the most memorable hero in the movie and he has the best lines so pay attention to what he says and try not to let his gravelly voice grate on your nerves like it did to me. His story is one of the best and it should be because he is the main narrator for the movie.

The only one who has actual powers is Dr Manhattan, a.k.a. Jon Osterman (acted by Billy Crudup), the totally blue, totally naked bald man with diminishing human emotions. There’s a mild sex scene featuring him that is quite funny so keep a look out for it. Also, look for the constantly blurred private part, which just pulls your attention to it whenever there’s a full body shot of him.

Since we’re on the sex issue, the building romance between two other main characters, Silk Spectre II (Laurie Juspeczyk, acted by Malin Akerman) and Night Owl II (Dan Dreiberg, played by Patrick Wilson) is one that is expected, and annoying. Annoying because they just couldn’t keep their hands off each other. There were so many unnecessary scenes involving their relationship and after about 3 scenes of them, I couldn’t help but lift my hands up in frustration. Yes, they want each other, they lust for each other, we get it, move on with the plot.

The Original Watchmen in the movie

For those seeking action, don’t worry, the violence and gore is on a high scale, so yes, you will get your kicks out of the bloody scenes. Oh, yes, action  and fighting scenes are abundant as well, especially the prison chapter. All in all, you can say Watchmen is filled with dark humour and insights into the distorted side of the human nature but is well-balanced with the goodness and unexpected kindness of humanity. The ending will throw you into a loop as you see how evil needed to be done to the innocents for the good of the world. But seriously, and I rarely say this, don’t watch it in the cinema. It’s too long, complicated and the censorship can drive you nuts at times.

What attracted me most about the movie was its soundtrack. Since it’s set in the 1980s, the songs used are kind of like evergreen music and oldies your parents listen to, which contrast greatly with the fast-beat, hyper, rock-like music they used for the action scenes.

By the way, since Watchmen is set in New York City, you will see the World Trade Centers intact in a few city scenes. Those who have lost loved ones during September 11 is advised to keep an open mind when watching this film.

As usual, here are the goofs some viewers found while watching the movie. This time, I think it’s okay if you want to read the goofs first as the movie is not what I would say a must-see.

Best line from the movie that my friend and I love to quote is by Rorschach:

“You people don’t understand. I’m not locked in here with you, you’re locked in here with me!”

I received this in my email the other day and it simply must be shared. Not because it’s fun to laugh at people or to put these people in a bad light. I’m posting it because at one time or other, I’m sure we ALL have gone through a similar situation before, including me. Enjoy.

****

One day, I was walking down the beach with some friends when someone shouted, ‘Look at that dead bird!’  Someone looked up at the sky and said…’where???’

***

While looking at a house, my brother asked the estate agent which direction was north because, he explained, he didn’t want the sun waking him up every morning. She asked, ‘Does the sun rise  in the north?’ When my brother explained that the sun rises in the east, and has for sometime, she shook her head and said, ‘Oh, I don’t  keep up with that stuff.’

****

My colleague and I  were eating our lunch in our cafeteria, when we overheard one of the administrative assistants talking about the sunburn she got on her weekend drive to the beach. She drove down in a convertible, but ‘didn’t think she’d get sunburned because the car was moving’.

***

I told the girl at the steakhouse register that I wanted the half  kilogram sirloin. She informed me they only had an 500g sirloin. Not wanting to make a scene, I told her I would take the 500g steak instead of the half-kilogram.

****

My sister has a  lifesaving tool in her car, it’s designed to cut through a seat belt if she gets trapped. She keeps it in the car trunk…

***

My friends and I  were on a Lager run and noticed that the cases were discounted 10%. Since it was a big party, we bought 2 cases. The cashier multiplied 2 times 10% and gave us a 20% discount….

****

I was hanging out with a friend when we saw a woman with a nose ring attached to an earring by a chain. My friend said, ‘Wouldn’t the chain rip out every time she turned her head?’  I had to explain that a person’s nose and ear remain the same distance apart no matter which way the head is turned…

***

I couldn’t find my luggage at the airport baggage area. So I went to the lost luggage office and told the woman there that my bags never showed up. She smiled and told me not to worry because she was a trained professional and I was in good hands. ‘Now,’ she asked me, ‘Has your plane arrived yet?’…

****

While working at a pizza parlour, I observed a man ordering a small pizza to go. He appeared to be alone and the cook asked him if he would like it cut into 4 pieces or 6. He thought about it for some time before responding. ‘Just cut it into 4  pieces; I don’t think I’m hungry enough to eat 6 pieces.’

What I found hilarious was the sentence right at the end of the e-mail. Someone wrote: “Sadly, not only do they walk among us, they also reproduce!!!!”