It is normal. Many people have experienced this feeling before. Some are lucky to have someone to lean on or even better, someone to help pick up the pieces, glue them back together and push them up. Others might not be as fortunate or may actually refrain from accepting or asking help from others. Everyone works in their own way, handling their life in whichever way they think is best for them. Asking for help doesn’t make one weaker than others, not asking for help doesn’t make one stronger than the rest either.

Anyway, when you feel this low, when you feel like a failure, you tend to forget that you have done some really great (ok, if not great, good then) things in your life. Just look around your room and I’m sure you have some mementos or keepsakes that bear good memories. Trophies and medals won during school competitions, certificates of education, acknowledgments of participation in activities, pictures of your travels, some writings you have done, heck, even small stuffed dolls won at funfairs count too. You’ll be amazed at how much you have done and achieved once you lean back from your misery and take a good look around.

Sure, some would say, “But those are really small things. I didn’t achieve something great like winning a nobel prize, or become a famous celebrity or a rich successful businessman.” But then again, who decides what makes you successful? Who decides what makes you great? Being rich doesn’t necessarily make you a great person, being famous doesn’t necessarily mean happiness. It’s all in your own perspective, choose your own path to what fulfills you. If you keep looking at what other people are doing, when will you have time to look at yourself and make your own success, be it richness or a close-knit family?

When I feel low (as low as a snake’s belly), I like to remember this particular story I read in Robert Allen’s ‘365 Smiles from Buddha’ and I quote:-

A certain king called together his wise men and commanded them to have a magic ring made for him. It should cheer him up when he was unhappy, but when things were going well, it should stop him from getting proud and overbearing. They went away and puzzled over the problem for a long time. At last someone had a bright idea. A gold ring was brought to the king and on it were engraved the words, “This too shall pass.”

Those four words help me alot whenever I’m down (I tend to focus on the negative, not so much on the positive unfortunately and that phrase is kind of like my mantra).

And so, I would look around my room, note the accomplishments I have done so far and I find that life doesn’t seem so bleak after all. I find that I’m not such a failure after all and that I am still capable of success, in my own way, in my own terms. Thus, the phrase above comes to mind and I know that this feeling of inadequacy will pass. Here’s hoping that your sadness will pass too.

“Auntie, I want Milo,” he says.

“I want Milo, please,” I tell him, still trying to educate him on politeness.

“I want Milo, pleeeeease,” he repeats after me, stretching the last word. “I- I want Milo so I can grow big.”

“Why you want to grow big?” Excuse my English, I am, after all, talking to a 4-year old whose native tongue is Bahasa Malaysia.

“I want…I want to be bigger than my friend.” I glance over at his friend/classmate, who is a white boy with a build that is bigger and taller than my slightly slim and small nephew. I dig out my purse and listen with half an ear as my nephew proceeds to tell me how he wants to be stronger and taller so he wants to drink Milo everyday.

As I watch him run off with my RM10 note to the food counter, I start to wonder why my nephew thought Milo would help him grow bigger. Then I remember my own experience, also involving Milo.

When I was in primary school, we had a mini inter-class race. I remember spurring on one of my teammates in particular because she had eaten some Milo snacks (I think it was Milo nuggets or something) before the race. I was muttering, “C’mon, you can do it. After all, you ate Milo just now.” Don’t ask me the reasoning behind this; at that point in time, in my childish mind, I had some sort of belief that Milo has the power to make you run faster, be stronger, etc. When it came to my turn at the race, I sprinted, believing the whole time that I can zoom pass all the other kids because I had a ‘Milo’ edge. Don’t ask me if we won ‘coz I can’t remember, haha!

Nestle Milo (from www.deliver2u.com.my)

The thing is it’s amazing how some advertisements can penetrate your conscious mind and it’s even more amazing how the same product can span the generations  (case in point, me and my nephew) with the same belief; Minum Milo, Anda Jadi Sihat Dan Kuat (direct trans: Drink Milo, you’ll be healthy and strong. The real English slogan is something like Nestle Milo Brings Out The Champion In You!) Makes me wonder what other advertisements have penetrated my mind without me knowing.

P.S: Do you know that Nestle came out with a Neslo sachet (Nescafe coffee with Milo, for those who dunno)? I still haven’t tried it yet but I’m gonna give that and the Nescafe Tarik sachet a try as soon as I find them, yum!

For example, if I don’t wish to communicate with a certain person, it could be because he/she may have offended me in some way or he/she has hurt one of my family members. If I refuse to visit a certain place, it could be because I have had a bad experience or service there. If I do not comment or contribute to a conversation, it could be because I do not wish to hurt anyone’s feelings or risk being misinterpreted. There is always a reason behind my actions.

So, when I say “Do not talk to me about issues on race, religion and politics”, there is a reason behind it.

I despise talking about racial, religion and political topics because I have seen with my own eyes, I have heard with my own ears, how these issues can break a friendship, shatter a relationship, separate family members. A husband and wife can argue and sleep in separate rooms during a political election because each supports different parties. Two friends can start arguing and debating over religion and stop talking to each other because they both have their own interpretations and beliefs. A nation can be divided into groups all up in arms and accusing each other because of racial tension, each believing the other is wrong.

I find it sad.

There’s only a handful of people who I can talk these three issues with and they are my brother, my cousin (Syahrir) and my friend (Kuek). Although we all have contrasting beliefs, we are mature enough to understand that we each see things differently and yet not take that to offense, and most importantly, we know when to stop talking about it if someone is feeling slightly hot under the collar.

I would love to be as diplomatic as possible. I would love to not accuse anyone without proper proof. I would love not to pass judgment on a race, a religion, a politician. I would love not to say anything that might hurt or offend the other party. Yet, I find that regardless what I say or not say, it is never good enough. If I speak my mind and say something, it’s wrong. If I do not wish to comment and don’t say anything, it’s wrong as well. So what do you want from me?

Another thing that frustrates me alot about these types of conversation is how I always get the short end of the stick. How come you can say whatever you want, how come you can speak your mind, but I can’t? How come you can say ‘I don’t appreciate the comment you made’ and when I retaliate by saying ‘I don’t appreciate the comment you made either’, you get all defensive? If you don’t want to listen or acknowledge other people’s perspective then don’t bring up the issue, simple as that. I am not the enemy so there’s no point in you getting all riled up at me when all I am doing is listening to you talk about something I do not wish, never wish, to delve in and contributing to the conversation based on my own opinions.

Also, in these types of conversations, you’ll be amazed at the assumption people can make about you. Just because I am of a certain race and of a certain religion in a certain country, people can actually tell me that I don’t ’see’ what the other races and the other religions see because my race and my religion are getting the cream of the crop. So, am I justified in saying that because you are not of a certain race and you are not of a certain religion, you don’t ’see’ what I see? If it can go one way, it can go the other way too.

After living all these years and hearing so many things, I have learnt not to jump to the first conclusion I arrive to. That is why some people would notice that I often say, “Maybe it’s not that reason”, “Mayhaps it’s not what you think it is”, “Perhaps it’s another group causing trouble but pinning the blame on another group”, “Perhaps it’s better to say it in a different way.” Ever thought of that? Maybe not, I guess.

Don’t, please don’t, assume that you know how I think, know what I see, know what I hear, know what I say, when in fact, you don’t know me at all. Just because I don’t say certain things or don’t agree with you or don’t say things you want to hear, it doesn’t mean I am incapable of putting myself in other people’s shoes. It doesn’t mean that you’re right or you’re wrong. It just means that we have different opinions, different perspectives, different beliefs, because we are two different people and we each should respect the fact that we have our own views. Let’s just say we agree to disagree and be done with it.

This is why I love to write. It is only here, in my post, that I am able to say what I really want to say because this is my post, my blog. Some people love to talk about these three issues. They love to point out that they’re right. They love to argue non-stop and vehemently debate the other party into silence, especially about race and religion. And this is what I think (and I have mentioned this before in Silence of War): Regardless what race, religion, political party or nationality you are, ‘…strip off your skin, your colour, your beliefs, your brain, and you are all the same. You all have two hands, two feet, two eyes, one nose, one mouth. You all feel pain, sorrow, happiness. You all cry and laugh.’ To add to that, in my humbly low opinion, at the end of the day, all these differences, all these endless racial, religion and political fighting, all these ‘you’re wrong, I’m right’ judgments won’t matter once I’m dead and buried. Because then, only God can pass judgment.

What was 2009 for me? Hmmm, well, at the top of my head, I can only pull out one thought; this year saw the longest time I’ve ever been single ever since I started dating. Hahahah, yes, I know that’s a weird thing to say but I finally got a whole lot of time just for myself, without worrying about a boyfriend and the problems that are attached to having one. And my conclusion? I’m enjoying it very much and frankly, I am much happier being single than when I was in a relationship. It just goes to prove that I am independent and able to stand on my own two feet without a man.

Anyway, 2009 was pretty much quite calm for me personally, aside from a break-up, a public love confession on my Facebook from a salesman and some minor drama here and there, but it was somewhat of a hell for some of the people close to me. Two of my best girls have had their hearts broken, one fortunately has resolved the matter while one is still being tortured almost on a daily basis by a stupid guy. I hope that the new year will be much better in terms of relationship for her.

But it wasn’t all bad for love in 2009. Many of my friends got married and another one of my best girls was proposed underwater, sooooo romantic!!

Although some people may think of me as wasting my time and life this past year, I really do think that I am much happier and calmer than I’ve been in a long time and to me, that’s all that matters. My family has my back and if my mom, dad and brother are not complaining about what I’m doing then other people’s opinions do not matter with me. And besides, I’m not borrowing any money from people to live (I have my own) so why should they care?

But I think my biggest break-through for this year was the whole change of appearance. Gone is the long hair that has been hounding me since I started school, hello to a new short, and my cousins said sexy, haircut. Ever since I cut my hair, it’s like a huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders. I’m more carefree, happy and light. Also I noticed I have more energy since I maintained my jogging routine and even managed to increase the number of rounds that I jog. I feel better these past few months and hope to maintain it in the next year.

Of course, with every year, there are windows of opportunities opening and also opportunities missed. My brother and I almost bought over a business, and although it was sad to let the chance go willingly, I guess after thinking about it intensely, that opportunity just wasn’t for us.

What’s in store for 2010? Well, looking at my calendar now, there are alot of weddings to attend as my best girls are getting married!!! And I foresee pregnancies and babies next year too . For me, I’ll be traveling alot, one agenda on my list is the climb up Mt. Kinabalu. I don’t care how long it takes, I’m going to climb all the way to the top!! Also, hopefully, the planned trip to Redang is on because I miss the island so much. Other than that, we’ll see how the year goes. I’m back to my ‘go with the flow’ motto.

So, with the new year, there’s usually a New Year’s resolution, right? Well, the past two years, my resolution was to take as many pictures as possible, which I have done, but this new year, I need to better myself in some way so I figured out what bugged me the most this year, which was doing favours for unappreciative people. So my New Year’s resolution for 2010 is to try and stop doing favours for people who don’t appreciate them or appreciate me. Trust me, there have been alot of it going on in 2009 and I’ve got to nip it in the butt.

I hope everyone will have a safe and happy New Year celebration. Do not look back to the past but focus on the future that is coming your way. We all have alot more living to do so let’s get to it!!

Happy New Year!!!

“Lucy nodded back self-consciously, aware of her puffy eyes and swollen nose. She was not a good-looking crier.”

I have come across that particular or similar line a few times in my fiction-reading history and it makes me wonder, (1) Should we be crying nicely? (2) Can we cry and maintain our immaculate face and make-up?

I mean, you cry when you’re sad, right? (Well, most of the time, I don’t count the times you cry from laughing so hard). So when you’re sad and you’re crying, won’t tears flow down your eyes? And don’t your nose and cheeks start to turn pink? Also, don’t your face kind of scrunch up from all that sorrow, anguish, pain, whatnot? When all that is happening, can you actually maintain that perfect facial expression?

I’ve seen myself cry before and trust me, it’s not a pretty sight, hahaha! Why on Earth would I want to cry prettily anyway? Maybe it would look good on my resume, “Can cry prettily.” I should get hired pretty fast, huh?

Case in point. The girls that I usually hang out with are all lovely (let’s focus on physical beauty for the meantime, alrite, but that’s not to say they’re not lovely inside too. Don’t put words in my mouth ). Anyway, whenever I’m out with them, it’s hard not to notice the stares and looks they get from the opposite sex. And it’s not those leery ‘I-wanna-get-in-your-pants’ stares, it’s those ‘Wow, what an attractive woman. I would like to get to know her’ looks .

And sometimes it doesn’t stop at the stares, they even get guys coming up to talk to them . A foreigner actually went up to one of my girl friends right on the streets and said, “You’re beautiful.” Yeah, yeah, you might be thinking the guy just wants to test his luck but the point is, that totally random comment from a random guy made her feel so much more beautiful and appreciated as a woman. If I actually take the time to relate every single approach my girl friends and cousins have had from guys, I would have to make an entirely new blog.

When I look at each and every one of the girls I usually go out with, I kind of understand why guys are so attracted to them. Like with my friends L and M, L is the Chinese beauty with a beautiful singing voice and a really addictive laughter while M is this tall and thin dark beauty who looks really good in skirts and has beautiful eyes. My best friend E has this cute round face which lights up whenever she smiles or laughs and has really long silky hair (she managed to turn the heads of the male employees at One Utama’s Live It Up! recently).

As for my cousins, we have A who has this captivating wavy hair, lovely body figure and a face that simply attracts attention and wolf-whistles. Then there’s S, the diva of the group, who is always immaculate in her dressing and her make-up, looking all hot and sizzling no matter where she goes. Let’s not forget I, whom I am always thankful she’s wearing a tudung (head scarf) for she’ll just knock out every man in her sight with her no-mercy combo of long fairytale wavy brown hair, fair skin, petite body and very expressive face. And last but not least is Z, who is the quiet one of the bunch, but it is that quiet wisdom and silent sense of humour that emits from her adorable face that is so attractive (she has a very cute laugh too).

Okie, for the sake of argument (because I know I’ll have some family members protesting), here’s how I am; I am one of two types, depending on my mood, which are either the gangster jeans-and-jacket girl or the gothic nothing-but-black girl, which apparently some guys find totally scary and unapproachable.

I’m not saying I’m jealous or envious of them (truthfully I’m not, my family and God knows that very well) . I’m actually really proud of them, even more so with their individual attitudes and personalities. But sometimes no matter how hard your family (or you yourself) tries to make you see that you’re beautiful in your own way, it’s just hard to feel good about yourself when time after time, the attention is on them and hardly ever on you , not that I’m the attention-seeker type, mind you. Just feeling kind of down after recent events.

So, to the family who tries so hard to make me believe in myself, I do once in a while but this post is written so that you can actually see why I think the way I think. And yeah, this is how I think most of the time. And please don’t go into the whole ‘Girl, you know you are each special in your own way’ lecture because I’ve heard it so many times, I know it by heart. This is just my way of letting loose of some emotional stress, that’s all, nothing more.

The trip to Look-Out Point is quite long, maybe 20 minutes after KLCC, and the horror of the trip is the slightly treacherous, winding path similar to the twisting road to Genting Highlands. Oh, wait, how to get there? So far, the best and most accurate directions to the spot is by Real Malaysia, who posted pictures and maps of the area here. A few people who attempted to drive there got lost in the end so I recommend you print out the instructions given by Real Malaysia and bring a mapbook too. But trust me when I say the place is definitely worth the trip. By the way, there is no public transportation to the area so if you don’t have a personal vehicle, follow the advice given by BackPacking Malaysia here.

Picture of Look-Out Point from Real Malaysia

A majestic gate welcomes you as you arrived at the entrance to Look-Out Point, along with its sign at the base of the hill. The road is quite steep so those with low cars and skirtings are advised to park at the bottom and walk up. Oh, by the way, the public toilet is located at the bottom of the hill. The toilets uphill are only for patrons of the restaurants so it’s best to answer nature’s call before going up or you’ll be going up and down like my friends and I did.

Steep Walk

I know, I know, I’m exaggerating with the picture of the road on the right. It is steep but not this steep, ehhehe! But seriously, ladies, if you’re wearing high heels, pleeeeeeaase be careful. Also, for manual cars, try not to let your engine die because it will slide downwards. If you’re driving at night, go slowly as there’s not much lighting for you to see and the road is quite narrow.

You can always take the stairs if you’re against concrete walkway. It’s not that high and they added some new railings and coverings since it first opened.

Lush Green Stairs

Once you reach the top, there are many eateries for you to pick from. One of the more popular names is Gasoline. The Arab eatery is quite nice too. The prices aren’t so bad, just maybe slightly more expensive. There’s a really comfy and expensive-looking restaurant too but I forgot its name (I think it’s called Bread and Olives).

Don’t forget that one of the main reasons you came all the way up there is the view. Head up to the 4-floor observation deck and make sure you bring a camera. If you’re lucky, the sky would be clear and you can get a real cool view of the city. Unfortunately, when I went there, it was cloudy so I didn’t get much of a view. But Daniel of Weird Weird Denial got great pictures here. Tourism Selangor claims that when you reach the top floor of the observation deck, you are approximately at the same height as KL Tower’s observation deck.

The Observation Deck

Overall View

I was pretty lucky that night because my friends and I caught sight of a few stray fireflies.

Look-Out Point has other activities too. Tourism Selangor quoted it as the home for Cope Adventure, where companies or any other groups can hold team-building exercises. But people mainly go there for the view and the food.

Make sure to come early because alot of people head there for dinner, so try to reach there by 6.30pm to catch the sunset and to grab the best seating at your selected restaurant. Look-Out Point is perfect for family gatherings, romantic dates and group reunions or outings. What was once a well-kept secret in Bukit Belacan is now a popular spot to those who know how to get there.

Back to Come, visit…

You don’t like me.

You don’t like me. You don’t like my looks. You don’t like my voice. You don’t like my style. You don’t like my behaviour. You don’t like my outlook in life. You don’t like my self. You don’t like me for who I am. You don’t like me.

So?

You think I care. You want me to care. But do I?

Truthfully, yeah, I care. It hurts to hear your criticisms. It hurts to see your disgust. It hurts to experience your coldness to me. Yeah, it hurts. Yeah, I care.

But this is me.

Why do you criticize me so? Why do you expect me to be someone I’m not? Why do you expect me to do something I don’t want to? Why do you shove your opinions on me? Why are you so quick to judge me? Why do you expect so much from me?

This is me. I’m not perfect. I’m a human. I make mistakes, as do you. I have feelings, as do you. I go through life, as do you. I have thoughts, as do you. I feel pain, as do you.

Yet you seem to forget that.

Do you enjoy hurting me? Do you love to see me suffer? Do you feel empowered to see me sad? Do you want me to crumble and wither into nothingness? Do you want my heart to feel so bad that it breaks?

What do you want from me?

Nothing I do is good enough for you. Nothing I say is perfect enough for you. Nothing I am is good enough for you and nothing I’ll be will ever be perfect enough for you.

Why do I care? Why do I try so hard?

Because I want to please you. Because I want you to be happy. Because I want to live up to your expectations. Because I want to be what you want me to be. But I can never seem to please you. I can never seem to keep you happy. Your expectations only get higher. And I can never be what you want me to be.

Then why don’t you leave?

If you don’t like me, you are welcome to leave. If you don’t like how I am, you are welcome to leave. If you don’t like what I say, you are welcome to leave. If you don’t like what I think, you are welcome to leave. If you don’t like how I life my life, you are welcome to leave. I will not force you to stay. I can’t be who you want me to be. I can’t be how you want me to be. I can’t say what you want me to say. I can’t think what you want me to think. I can’t live my life the way you want me to.

Because this is me. This is my life. This is my world. These are my thoughts. These are my experiences. This is how I live my life. This is how I am. This is me.

If you still don’t like me, if you still can’t accept me for who I am, if you still can’t handle my words and my thoughts, if you still can’t stop judging and criticizing me, you are welcome to leave me. Then, perhaps you will be happier without this person that you hate so much, that you judge so much, that you criticize so much, because I will be gone from your life, from your world, from your thoughts.

I’ll just remain a forgotten girl from your past that you don’t like. That’s all and nothing more.

Back to Monologue or Wait, Read

The wheels are turning. I can hear them whirring as they turn constantly, never stopping, only slowing down momentarily before the frenzy pace restarts. Tonight, the wheels are turning more than ever, in a faster pace than usual, the whirring louder than normal.

As the wheels turn, images come up. Different images, yet similar in a way. There are more images tonight, going so fast that they become nothing but blurs of colours. But these images are familiar, having been brought up from the dust many times before. Each of the images tells a story, and each story always reaches to the same conclusion.

The wheels are turning again, faster this time, and the images flew pass, merging into one, before, once again, reaching the same conclusion all over again.

And the tears start to fall.

They continue to fall without any signs of stopping. It is just a relief and an ache to cry. Yet the wheels still turn, never stopping.

As the conclusion runs around and the images slowly disappear, only one sensation is left. Only one solution appears. The taste of steel against skin. The feel of blood flowing. The numbness of the emotions.

Should I do it? Will I do it? I am doing it.

And the tears stopped. Now there is only relief.

Back to Monologue or Wait, Read

People keep on putting me down,
To them I am nothing,
Even worse than nothing,
Sometimes they criticize me so much,
That I even start to believe their words,
Stupid, I know,
But then incessant put-downs,
Tend to make you question yourself,
What am I to do with myself?
Why am I even here in this world?
It hurts worse when they start,
To compare you with another person,
Seemingly better than you,
Anyone seems better than you.

Cho:
Who am I to them?
Am I even human to them?
Why do they see me so?
Why do they hate me so?
Why do they tell me all those things in their minds?
Do they hate me that much?
Or is there something more?
What is there in their minds?
Can someone please tell me more?
Tell me who am I to them.

What do they want from me?
If I be what they wish, would it be enough?
If I bleed to death, would it be enough?
Or am I so insignificant,
That it doesn’t matter if I live or die?
I’m always doing something wrong,
Always saying the wrong thing,
They expect so much from me,
I can’t help but feel so useless,
Perhaps they are right,
Perhaps I am hopeless,
Perhaps I am nothing in this world,
Perhaps I don’t belong with them,
Perhaps I should just disappear.

Cho:
Who am I to them?
Am I even human to them?
Why do they see me so?
Why do they hate me so?
Why do they tell me all those things in their minds?
Do they hate me that much?
Or is there something more?
What is there in their minds?
Can someone please tell me more?
Tell me who am I to them.
‘Coz I don’t know who I am anymore.

Back to Lyrics or Wait, Read