Dancing the Dream

Dancing the Dream
(31/3/03)

I stood alone in the lit hallway, facing a dark mahogany door. A door to a room that held so many memories for me. A door that I hadn’t open in a month.

I took a deep breath and fitted a key into the lock.

Click!

The lock was free. There weren’t anymore excuses to prevent me from opening the door.

I closed my eyes and gripped the doorknob. Taking one deep breath, I softly pushed the door open. The room was in darkness and a musty smell reached my nostrils. I reached up to the upper left of the wall for the familiar light switch and flipped it on. The fluorescent lights hummed and flickered before finally lighting the room.

The first thing I saw was my reflection staring at me from the opposite wall.

I stepped into the dance studio with its four mirrored walls and softly closed the door. The exercise bag that I held was dropped near the door and I walked until I reached the middle of the wooden floor. Dust was kicked up with every step I took and settled back on the footprints that I left behind.

I paused and turned around in a slow circle, looking at the whole room. Floor to ceiling mirrors covered all four walls of the dance studio, where I taught ballet and all sorts of dances from jazz to tap-dancing, where I went whenever I was feeling down or happy. To dance was my refuge and my prize. As I turned, four images turned with me. No matter where I looked, there was always a reflection looking back at me. I felt as though they were hounding me, as though I could never escape from them.

I stopped turning and walked towards the mirror in front of me. I studied my reflection and observed the girl that stared back at me. Puffy red eyes caused by endless crying returned my stare, the depths of them filled with a sad look. The face reflected the eyes with the same expression of depression. Long straight ebony hair, which usually hid the face, was pulled back into a high ponytail. The hairstyle showed off a pointed chin, high cheekbones and a button nose, pink from all the sniffling I have done.

I held out a hand to touch the cold surface and my mirror image duplicated my movements. I stared at my reflection for a long time and suddenly, a burning hatred started inside of me. I felt angry; angry with myself. I hated myself and couldn’t bear to see my face a moment longer so I pushed myself violently away from the wall.

The second I left the mirror, I started to dance. I closed my eyes and danced to a soundless music that only my body could hear. I felt my body move, twisting in dance steps I have never done before. My body was inspired; inspired by my own thoughts, by my own memories, by my own reflection. The soundless music became faster and faster and I moved along with it. The beat was fast-paced and out of control, like one of those extreme heavy metal songs.

I was moving blindly around the room and wasn’t noticing where I was going. All of a sudden, I bumped hard into a wall and the soundless music ceased. My eyes snapped open and again, my reflection stared back at me from across the room. I gazed at myself again and saw a crazed girl, a wild girl.

I turned my head away, disgusted and pitied by the image that I saw. My body slowly slid down until I sat, slumped against the wall. A single tear fell down my cheek and dripped to the wooden floor. I covered my face with my hands to prevent seeing my reflections again and to prevent more tears from falling.

I failed.

I wept as I have wept for the past week. Wept from sadness, wept from anger, wept from disappointment, everything that I felt.

“I want to break up.”

I looked up at Jordan, shock and disbelief evident on my face. He said it. He actually said it. My boyfriend for more than a year, Jordan, was breaking up with me. I was numb when I heard that, so numb that I felt nothing. No pain, no tears, nothing. But a few days later, the sentence sunk into my mind and I finally registered its meaning, and then the feelings broke out in one big gush.

For the weeks that came after that, I was sad and depressed. I loved him, I really did, and the thought of being alone without him seemed unbearable.

But I was not alone in my world of gloom. No, I went through it with a companion, one who was constantly by my side. Adrian, my good friend. He was always there for me no matter what. He comforted me, gave me sound advices and kept my mind off the break-up and for that, I was grateful.

However, later on, something unexpected happened. I began to feel something for him. I knew he loved me but I had never felt anything for him except sisterly love. But somehow…things changed, and we coupled up.

Valentine’s Day came and we spent a lovely day together, just the two of us. But something unforeseen happened when I came home after our outing, something that created a domino effect of destruction on our haven. A card was waiting for me in my mailbox. It was from Jordan. A Valentine’s Day card from my ex-boyfriend.

As I was figuring out what he was up to with the card, the phone rang. It was him, Jordan. I told him that I received his card and we talked for awhile. Just mindless chitchats about his life and mine, about anything interesting that came to mind and then we hung up. That phone call reminded me of the old times we have had together and involuntarily made me miss him.

Two days later, he called again. This time, he asked me to come out and have a drink with him. I thought to myself, “Why not? We’re still friends. Well, for old time’s sake, I’ll go.”

And so I went.

He drove us to a café that was nearby my dance studio. A café that I sometimes went to during breaks between dance classes and where Adrian and I sometimes hung out. We sat there and chatted like old friends. After a while, the conversation changed and I jokingly asked some questions about his conquest for a new girlfriend. To my puzzlement, he started talking strangely and wasn’t making much sense. There were times when he seemed to want to say something, but he always stopped himself just as the words were about to come out. Finally, he blurted out that he wanted me back.
Shocked and astonished, I was paralyzed in my chair. My hand, which had been reaching to the middle of the table for my drink, froze, forgotten in the turn of events. He reached across and grasped my hand with both of his, his eyes pleading. He really wanted me back.

My mouth gaped open and shut like a goldfish. I was about to reply and remove my hand from his grasp when a sudden commotion a few tables away swayed my attention. I saw a familiar figure and moved slightly for a clearer view. To my horror, I noticed that the figure was Adrian. He was pushing his way blindly through the throng of people in the café, ignoring the dirty and curious looks he got from the customers. He must have seen Jordan holding my hand and misunderstood the situation. I snatched my hand away and rushed after Adrian; leaving Jordan to stare at me from the table, bewildered at my actions. I went out from the café and catching sight of Adrian, I chased after him.

“Adrian,” I yelled, pulling his hand to stop. “It’s not what you think,” I started but was cut off.

“I don’t want to talk to you,” he said coldly, glaring at me. “How many times have you seen him or any other men behind my back?”

I stood at the sidewalk, stunned and mute, watching as Adrian faded into the crowd, faded away from my sight and most probably, from my life.

I was still in shock and didn’t even notice Jordan standing beside me. He had rushed out from the café as well and had seen what happened. He tried to comfort me but instead of feeling better, he only made me feel worse. I wanted to push him away, to be alone but he wouldn’t hear of it and insisted that he send me home. Not feeling up to an argument, I allowed him to.

Later that night, I called Adrian and tried to talk to him. But my attempt proved futile. He didn’t want to talk to me, to even let me explain. I stared blankly at my wall for a while after putting down the receiver, seeing nothing in my state while my mind raced a hundred miles per second.

That was the only thing I did the few days after that. Just stare at the wall.

One day, as I was staring off into space, the door opened and Jordan stuck his head in. He apologized for the mess he caused Adrian and me, and promised not to intrude in our relationship again. After that day, he came by a few times to keep me company. He was my only source of distraction from the abrupt break-up and I welcomed his presence.

I tried to call Adrian again a week later but his parents told me that he wasn’t home. He went to his cousin’s house for a trip and didn’t say when he would be back. That was yesterday and today, after I called him and gotten the same response, I drove blindly around the city and unconsciously came here to my dance studio.

The memories stopped flowing and I looked up from my hands, finally running out of tears. I sat still for a moment, thinking back to my life, to the past events. I wondered why this had happened to me, why our relationship was ruined when it was going so perfectly. All of a sudden, in the midst of my thoughts, a saying came to mind. A sentence my mom had told me when I was young, a sentence that was short but meaningful.

“Everything happens for a reason.”

The five words echoed in my head, engulfing me with their meaning. Everything that has occurred, happened for a reason. I have always followed that phrase but in the recent events, it was forgotten, blown away from my mind. Well, it should be remembered now. I should accept that and then, maybe then, things will finally look up. But I got to do that myself or forever be depress; never getting up after a fall.

I stood up, my bones snapping and cracking after sitting down too long. Again, my reflection faced me. However, this time the face has a calmer façade and the eyes shone intelligently. A hard lesson had been learnt, a lesson necessary to survive the world.

When faced with disappointment, one should not weep or give up hope. One should take it as a lesson to be stronger, to be wiser. People come and go in our lives, and may leave us at one point. Sometimes there may be nothing we can do to prevent that from happening, but we should remember that everyone we meet has affected us in some way or other.

Perhaps Adrian was not the one for me. Perhaps his quick judgment of me could bring trouble in the future had our relationship continued. Whatever the reason may be, I experienced love, just as I experienced Jordan’s love.

I stood up and began to dance again. The first dance I did was a dance of nightmares. This time, it was a dance of dreams. I am dancing the dream, my dream. My wish, my fantasy, my desire. I danced and danced and danced. The dance was slow, harmonious and peaceful, as life should be. My heart danced as well, calming the storm that had been tormenting it for the past week.

I didn’t know how long I danced but when the soundless music stopped, I heard clapping. My head snapped to the door and Jordan stood there, a soft smile on his face.

He asked if I wanted to have a cup of coffee with him.

I accepted.

Maybe I will couple up with Jordan again. Maybe not. But whatever life throws at me, I can take it. Because I have grown stronger and wiser. Take life’s events in stride. Do what you think is wise. If life doesn’t go the way you planned, remember that things happen for a reason.

I followed Jordan to the door, picking up my bag on the way. But just as I was about to step into the corridor, I stopped, my hand lingering on the light switch and I glanced back. Looking back into the room, I saw a ghostly image dancing and twirling around the room. Its movements were graceful, flowing like a river, which created a sense of peace inside of me. It was a duplication of me, my reflection, dancing my dream.

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