Impressions

Impressions
(18/11/05)

The bus rolled to a stop at Perth City Center, directly in front of the only 24-hour MacDonald’s in the vicinity. I made my way off the bus into the midst of various people of various occupations with various reasons to be in the city.

The summer afternoon sun scorched the city and I adjusted my ‘sunnies’ and headphones as I followed the stream of people down the pathway.

“What am I to do with myself? Why am I even here in this world?” my headphones blasted into my ear. “People who aren’t people, humans who aren’t humans, could it be that the world is just an illusion?”

I hear you, mate, and you are so right on all points. Life is an illusion. I mean, look at it. People who mask their real face and intentions with a publicly and politically correct, but fake, personality, and two-faced friends who are all sugary sweet in front of you but a foul mouth backstabber once your back is turned. Life is just twisted.

I stood stiffly at the pedestrian crossing, my body tensioned with barely suppressed anger.

Ugh, I’m still pissed off about that. I can’t believe they would do that to me. Imagine, you do nothing wrong and all of a sudden, people are avoiding you, even your best friends, and all because of a stupid rumor. A gossip. The worst thing is I don’t even know what the gossip is.

I barely registered the green pedestrian light, automatically following the crowd across the street.

I don’t understand it. I don’t think I did anything wrong. Heck, I don’t think I’ve even been doing anything that’s remotely talkable. I can’t believe that even Sheila and Francessa are avoiding me. No, boycotting me is more like it. What’s the hell is going on?

I sighed noisily, slipping my ‘sunnies’ off to wipe some speck of dust off the lenses, still walking. I was passing the city church when a lone Asian girl sitting on the church steps caught my attention.

Now there’s a girl who doesn’t have a care in the world. She looks so calm and content, reading a book without giving a thought that she’s all alone. And look at her dressing. Baggy sweat pants and a long-sleeved shirt in this summer heat, like she doesn’t give a damn what her peers think of her. I wouldn’t dare dress like that even if I wanted to. Man, she got guts.

As I walked pass, I scrutinized her from the corner of my eye, pretending that I’m still wiping my sunnies. Coincidentally, she looked up from her book, straight at me. Our eyes met and a split-second later, we both looked away.

*    *    *

I looked away quickly, only to glance back at her, watching as she nonchalantly, but with style, slipped on her sunglasses.

Look at her. She looks so with it, so commanding, so in control of her life. She even flips her hair back with confidence. I bet she doesn’t have any worries in her life.

I tugged at my sleeves, pulling them down even though they were already over my wrists and stretched to their limit. My arms were full of bruises, old yellowed ones and some new black-blue ones.

I wish I could be as confident as her. I can’t even stand up to Steven. Even though he beats me up and gets drunk all the time, I can’t even pull myself away from him. I know I should leave him, but I’m scared. He’s all I got here, I can’t survive without him. Even if I do run away, he’ll surely find me and just beat me up harder.

I picked up my book again, trying to escape into the world of fiction, but nothing on the page registered into my mind. I gave up a while later and packed the book into my backpack, thinking that a cup of coffee will help me feel better.

I rose from the steps and joined the crowd waiting for the pedestrian light to change. As I waited, I started imaging the kind of boyfriend I would like to have.

Someone firm but caring. Someone who’s not too macho and a good dresser. Someone kind, who knows how to conduct himself.

I started to cross as the annoying rat-a-tat sound of the pedestrian light shrieked the permission to cross, still thinking of the type of guy I should be dating. I winced in pain as someone jostled my shoulder. Steven had given me a new bruise there after he came home drunk from Northbridge the other night.

Someone who would protect me and who’s can support me. And most importantly, someone who won’t beat me up. Someone like… him.

Directly in front of me was a guy who fitted all my description. Adrian, the most popular guy in university, the most well-liked, and the girls claimed, the most courteous, the perfect boyfriend. Unfortunately, he didn’t know that I exist, even though we were in the same class before.

I couldn’t help but stared at him as he headed my way, closer and closer. He looked so cool with his sunglasses, his hay-brown hair tucked under a cap and last year’s Big Day Out singlet. He was glancing around the street, like he was searching for someone. Probably his current girlfriend.

When we were only one foot apart, he suddenly glanced at me and our eyes caught each other. Then simultaneously, we looked away.

*    *    *

I glanced back at the Asian girl as I stepped on the curb, managing to catch a glimpse of her before the crowd swallowed her.

Wasn’t that a girl from uni? Damn, I hope she didn’t see anything.

I adjusted my sunglasses, wishing desperately that there were a mirror or a window to see whether the shiner was showing.

Damn those guys. I told them I would pay them for all that dope I bought. Shit, they didn’t have to rough me up. The dope wasn’t even that good anyway.

I thought about the amount of debt that I have to pay off and regretted not keeping some money aside.

Shit, shouldn’t have wasted my money on those girls. I didn’t even get to sleep with any of them. ‘Mr. Gentleman’. Bah, I didn’t ask to be stuck with that title. Now what I’m gonna do? Hmmm, maybe I can swindle some money out of Bernice. Should be easy enough, she’s a sucker anyway. A sobbing story about my mom needing money for operation should be enough to get me, oh, maybe a thousand.

I barely noticed the light brown church I had passed, too focused on my plot. A car honked somewhere in front of me, causing me to look up.

Oh, shit.

I pulled my cap lower over my forehead and ducked into the corridor of the Wesley building.

Oh, shit! Oh, shit! I hope they didn’t see me.

I strode faster down the corridor, passed the music store and hair saloon, until I reached the other side of the street behind the church.

Damn, that was too close. I need to be more careful. If Joey and Ranal are here, Adam should be here too. Shit, I wish I had the money now. He’s gonna punch my face in again if he catches me. I better leave, maybe head down to Karrakatta. They won’t think of searching for me there. I can lay low with my cousin for a while.

I hurried down the pathway to the pedestrian crossing, still glancing around incase those goons were nearby. As I slouched in my singlet with my shoulders bunched up to hide myself, I noticed this particular guy standing by the nearby trashcan. He was lighting a cigarette with a gold-plated lighter, dressed in an Armani business suit with a gold Rolex on his left wrist.

Lucky stiff. Impeccable business suit, a Rolex, gold-plated lighter. I bet he drives a sports car too. He must be incredibly wealthy. Some guys have all the luck. I bet he never had to deal with any money problems.

I stared at him in vehemence, which was somewhat illogical but I was in an illogical mood.

He tapped his cigarette over the trashcan and looked up, straight at me, and I jerked my head away when our gazes met.

*    *    *

What’s up with that mate?

I raised an eyebrow at the hatred I glimpsed in the boy’s eyes, but I shrugged it off when nothing about him looked familiar.

I glanced at my watch. Almost 2 o’clock. Three more hours before the end of the day, then it was home to the missus.

Ugh, home to that nagging bitch and the forever-bawling baby. I never imagined married life to be so distressing. How can a former beauty queen end up so roly-poly? Doesn’t she have any shame on her body? And everyday, it’s nag, nag, nag and as if that wasn’t enough, I can’t even get any sleep what with the baby going wah, wah, wah every night. Don’t they ever shut up?

I took a long pull from my cigarette and pondered over the plan for the night, pushing aside the wife and kid.

Let’s see. Which Club X should I go to tonight? Northbridge perhaps? Nah, I went there last week. Hmm, or maybe I should just go to the one here in the city. It would save me some travel time. Decisions, decisions.

The crowd was thinning out as the office workers and such went back to work. My eyes were roaming the crowd in the street across from me when my eyes circled back to the chick I just saw.

Long, straight blond hair, curvaceous body, tight miniskirt, and a sinful black bra-top.

Check it out. Now there’s a girl whom a man can spend some time with. Hmm, young too. Splendid. Looks like I’ll be giving Club X a miss tonight. Hmm, I wonder how much she would charge for a 3-hour bondage theme. Heck, I can afford to take an early leave.

I casually flicked the cigarette butt into the trashcan and proceeded to cross the street. Unfortunately, at that moment, the pedestrian light turned red and I watched in mild frustration at my target. I could feel my lust growing at the thought of all that young flesh as I continued staring at her.

By chance, she glanced across the street, directly where I was. I stared at her, conveying the sexual images in my mind to her through my eyes. Miracle of miracles, I managed to catch her eye, giving her a slight smile.

*    *    *

Damn, that was freaky. That guy is giving me a creepy feeling, and that leer. Don’t tell me he was thinking sinful thoughts of me. Ewww!

I hurried down the street, wanting to get far, far away from that disgusting guy.

I knew I shouldn’t have accepted Marlene’s and Danielle’s makeover. Look at me. I look like a prostitute. There boots are giving me blisters and this top is more like a bra, and this God-awful skirt.

I tugged down on the skirt, but knew it was futile. I had been tugging at it since Marlene and Danielle left me at Hungry Jack’s.

“Go on. Test your new image out,” Marlene has said.

“Yeah,” Danielle chipped in. “Show yourself off to the world. How are you gonna attract guys if we’re with you? No, no, you walk alone. We’ll meet back at Myer’s entrance in an hour, alright? Good luck, girl. Knock ‘em dead.”

I feel like knocking myself dead for agreeing to it, and I think I’m showing off more of myself than I want to. Argh, why did I go through with this stupid idea?

You know why. It’s because you got tired of being a nobody. You wanted people to notice you, to know that you exist. To be in the limelight.

Well, yeah. I mean, that’s not a bad thing, is it? Doesn’t everyone want to be noticed?

Not everyone wants to be noticed. I mean, take a look at that person.

I realized that I was looking at a man in his mid-thirties, dressed in a smart shirt and business slacks, who was apparently rummaging through the dustbins in the area. His hair was unkempt and oily, and sweat stains were visible on his shirt.

The poor guy looked as though he hadn’t had a bath in weeks. He must have lost his business and have been rummaging through dustbins all this while to survive. Poor, poor man.

I decided to do something about it. I walked up towards the man in question shyly as he was busy rummaging through another dustbin. He looked up when I stood beside him, his face contorted with tiredness and anger.

The poor man must be bitter at his loss. Poor, poor man.

I gave a slight smile and quickly pressed a ten-dollar note into his hands. He looked at me in surprise and I stared back, giving him another smile before walking hurriedly away.

*    *    *

I watched as the young lady sauntered away in those ridiculous boots, wondering why on earth she handed me money.

I shrugged inwardly, jamming the money into my pocket and resumed my search.

Where is it? I know that 4-year-old son of mine threw the car keys here somewhere. Argh, which dustbin did he throw it in?!

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